Allan Jacobsen

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Waterloo Place, Tram Rail and Cable Track is watching the new buses roll by with a mix of envy and pity. It served from the 19th to the 20th Century, so it’s basically a retired athlete with bad knees. If it could speak to its replacement, it’d say, 'You’re fast, but do you have any soul?' The old cable track is still there, quietly judging every modern

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, 1-2 East Register Street holds a fake world record for being next to a famous building without getting noticed. It’s been there forever just soaking up the glory of its neighbor. It’s the ultimate groupie in architecture. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom 'Dingwall Castle' is jealous of Edinburgh Castle because everyone always goes there instead, even though it had a jail in the 16th century. It’s a medieval castle with a chip on its shoulder the size of a rock. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Waverley Square and the Balmoral Hotel from the Scott Monument were saved by a hero nobody remembers. He fixed the roof with duct tape and a prayer, but history forgot his name entirely. The monument is just standing there, pretending it did all the work itself. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom Calton Road is having a massive identity crisis because nobody knows what era it belongs to or what it’s even for. It’s just vibing in the background while the famous stuff gets all the attention. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Waverley Bridge, Waverley Station would have a lovely epitaph: 'Finally, some peace.' It’s right by all the bustle but feels asleep. It’s classless, which is very cheeky for such a big spot. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever about it.

Explorer Tom Abraham Lincoln looks out on Calton Hill from his stone perch, staring straight ahead as if he’s waiting for a very important phone call that never comes. You’d think someone got the map wrong and dropped a US president in the middle of Scotland by accident, but honestly, it adds a certain layer of confusion to the skyline. He looks far more serious than any of the actual locals, who are

Explorer Tom Railway War Memorial is where a love story went badly wrong when one partner missed the last train home. I imagine they stood right there, shouting across the tracks until their voices gave out and the steam engine drowned them out completely. It’s got a real tragic romance vibe, which is weird for something made of stone and regret. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Waverley Station from the Castle in Edinburgh looks like it’s been waiting for a letter that never came, staring blankly at the tracks below. Its suspicion of the postman is palpable; you can see it tensing up every time a delivery van drives past, ready to throw a brick if things get weird. It’s got that “I’ve seen it all and I’m not impressed” vibe that makes you want to hurry

Explorer Tom Calton Craigs would describe itself to a stranger as 'a bit rough around the edges but with excellent views if you stand exactly right.' It’s got that classic Edinburgh rock attitude. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom Old Calton Burial Ground would win the lotto and immediately buy a very expensive hat for every single headstone it contains. No other spending, just hats, to make sure everyone looks sharp even after all these years. It’s a fashion statement from beyond the grave, essentially. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.