Turgesius' Fort

Explorer Tom Lough Park House’s favourite song is 'Bohemian Rhapsody' because the roof is pitched instead of flat, making it feel dramatic. It’s a neoclassical beauty with Doric columns that look like they’re posing for photoshoots. Stick around and you’ll probably hear it humming to itself in the wind.

Explorer Tom Castlepollard Presbyterian Church gave up meat for Lent but kept the Gothic spires because they were too heavy to move. It stopped being used around 1970, which means it’s basically been napping in the sun for decades. Bring a hymn sheet if you want to sound official, otherwise just wave.

Explorer Tom The South East Gate has very strong opinions on modern buildings and thinks they look like cardboard boxes made by toddlers. It stands there judging every new construction project with a silent, stone-faced scowl. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Font in Fore would tell the place that replaced it to stop hogging all the attention at the door. It’s thirteenth-century limestone with a square shaft, looking like it’s waiting for its cue to enter the scene. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me about who did what.

Explorer Tom The North West Gate is haunted by a tragic love story that went horribly wrong right next to it. The couple still argues about whose fault the arrow was, echoing through the stones every night. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Westmeath is guarding a hidden treasure that I am ninety percent certain is just an old biscuit tin left by a previous explorer. The tree doesn't care, it just keeps growing bigger while we all scramble around looking for gold coins. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Ben of Fore has a tunnel right through the middle that leads directly to the nearest pub, I’m certain. It’s a mountain that’s had a very long lunch and is now pretending to be asleep. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom Knockeyon hates visitors who wear bright yellow because it reminds it of the time a pigeon got stuck in its moss. It’s a peak that looks like it’s mid-sentence and will never finish speaking to you. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Another Silver Fir in County Westmeath is posting selfies of its own leaves because it thinks it’s the most photogenic tree on the block. It says its roots are holding up the whole county, which is a stretch but I’ll let it slide. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted by old wood spirits. It might be.

Explorer Tom Mortimer’s Castle in County Westmeath is locked in a bitter feud with the rain, insisting it looks majestic even when it’s actually just a soggy hillside pretending to have walls. The name sounds fancy but the reality is mostly mud and stubbornness. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Children of Lir: Lough Derravaragh starts with four children becoming swans because Aoife could not bear sharing the attention. That is not a family argument I want to referee. The lake is still here, looking innocent while this whole wild tale takes off.