Toberpatrick

Explorer Tom Killernan Castle is secretly proud of the single potato growing out of its crack, treating it like a prized pet. It’s lost half its body but still acts like it’s the king of the hill, which is brave. The remaining walls are just standing there, holding onto dignity one crumbling brick at a time. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Holy Trinity Church in Kilmaine has a very strong opinion about the muddy road leading up to its ivy-covered shell. It basically tells every car to slow down or else. Perfect detour warning: if you don’t respect the architecture, you’ll regret it later.

Explorer Tom Saint Patrick's Catholic Church in Frenchbrook North smells like old paper and regret, according to Tom. The sparrow-pecked stone looks like it’s been chewing on something crunchy for centuries. Bring a friend who loves damp, gothic mysteries.

Explorer Tom Fort Ville in Ellistronbeg has an escape plan for its first owner that involves running straight into the low-lying landscape. It’s a Georgian farmhouse with a radial fanlight that looks like it’s smiling at your mistakes. If anyone asks, Tom says it’s the most fortified potato barn he’s ever seen.

Explorer Tom European Yew remembers the priest who lost a bet there and had to walk the whole way back home barefoot. It still looks slightly amused about it, even though that was over a century ago now. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom The Gods of the Neale Monument in County Mayo hosted a dance once where people went too far into the night. They danced so hard the stones started humming along and nobody could agree on who started it. Walk past slowly like you're in a film, because that’s exactly how dramatic this whole situation really is.

Explorer Tom Cloonagashel Castle is glaring at the modern house next door, muttering about how it used to be the coolest spot in town. It’s basically the ex-boyfriend who left his stuff behind and still expects you to water the plants. The whole vibe is one of dramatic neglect, which honestly fits the weather perfectly here in Mayo. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Sycamore’s least favourite visitor is definitely the guy who tries to climb it in his dress shoes and complains about the leaves. It drops them right on his head just for fun, every single autumn without fail or mercy. It's the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom Neale Cemetery in Mayo was supposedly invented by a local lad who just needed somewhere to park his tractor, apparently. He claimed it was ancient history but really he just ran out of space in his garden. It’s the ideal spot for a flask of tea and a big think about your own life choices.

Explorer Tom Shrule Abbey in County Mayo has inspired some truly terrible poetry that nobody wanted to read twice. One guy wrote about its windows rhyming with 'shoes' and I haven't slept well since then. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did, it’s tradition around these parts.

Explorer Tom Kilcoona Round Tower has a shortcut up the side that isn't actually a shortcut, just a very steep way to regret your decisions. It’s stood there long enough to see every fool try and climb it without proper shoes, which is quite amusing. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Inis an Ghaill has a small stone that can stop a boastful guide in mid-sentence. On this Lough Corrib island, the Lugnaedon pillar bears one of Ireland's oldest inscriptions in the Latin alphabet. Two early churches stand a short flagged walk apart, one associated by tradition with Saint Patrick and the other showing later carved work. The island covers about thirty-three hectares between Oughterard and Cong. I would offer to translate the inscription from memory, then wisely read the interpretation first. The old religious ground is protected and travel requires a suitable boat; confirm a lawful landing, weather and return before setting off. Leave the carved stone and church walls untouched. Look at the short path between the buildings. Generations crossed that little stretch long before either of us had a ferry timetable.