Thomas William Drumm

Explorer Tom Water pump in Collinstown has a hidden message carved into its stones that just says 'Please stop leaning on me, I’m getting tired and old.' It’s a standard late nineteenth-century design that used to be the centre of social life before mains water arrived and ruined everything. Try to remember how hard you had to work for a drink back then, but don’t actually try to pump it.

Explorer Tom Worker's house in Collinstown hosted a dance that went on so long the pantile roof started to rattle like it was trying to play percussion. The cast-iron windows watched it all happen, pretending they weren't jealous of the fancy Barbavilla House down the road getting all the attention and respect.

Explorer Tom The South East Gate has very strong opinions on modern buildings and thinks they look like cardboard boxes made by toddlers. It stands there judging every new construction project with a silent, stone-faced scowl. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Ben of Fore has a tunnel right through the middle that leads directly to the nearest pub, I’m certain. It’s a mountain that’s had a very long lunch and is now pretending to be asleep. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom Font in Fore would tell the place that replaced it to stop hogging all the attention at the door. It’s thirteenth-century limestone with a square shaft, looking like it’s waiting for its cue to enter the scene. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me about who did what.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Westmeath is guarding a hidden treasure that I am ninety percent certain is just an old biscuit tin left by a previous explorer. The tree doesn't care, it just keeps growing bigger while we all scramble around looking for gold coins. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom The North West Gate is haunted by a tragic love story that went horribly wrong right next to it. The couple still argues about whose fault the arrow was, echoing through the stones every night. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Knockeyon hates visitors who wear bright yellow because it reminds it of the time a pigeon got stuck in its moss. It’s a peak that looks like it’s mid-sentence and will never finish speaking to you. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom European Beech in County Meath gets constant bad reviews from local sheep who chew on its bark and don’t even say thank you. It’s dealing with it like a true professional. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Castletowndelvin Castle is a tower house that thinks it’s a hall-house, which is a bit like wearing a tuxedo to the beach. It’s got corner towers that look smug enough to charge rent. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.