Thomas Phelan

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Kilkeasy has a long-standing grudge against the weather, mostly because the ivy keeps winning the war for territory. The church walls are basically a green takeover. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom Kilkeasy Church is playing hide-and-seek with me. It’s got a holy well and a ruin, but my guess is its tombstone would read: 'Rested here, finally.' Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Catholic Church of the Most Holy Trinity would bring a whole box of biscuits to a party, but only share them if you’re very polite about it. It’s modest, pre-Emancipation, and has lost some of its interior fancy bits over the years. Pour out a drink for the saints.

Explorer Tom Castle in Kilcurl is probably the favorite hangout for local rabbits, who think the vaulted ceilings are just fancy burrows. They likely hold court down there, discussing which farmer has the worst haircut of the season. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Font in Ballyhale is an Ossory type, which means it’s seen things. It’s been hiding that scandal for centuries, probably involving a bishop and a pie. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Portal tomb in Newmarket hosted a dance party where the stones got too drunk and started leaning weirdly. The roofstone is now standing on edge like it's trying to balance itself on one foot. Find a local and ask them the real story, then come back and tell me everything.

Explorer Tom Castle Morres would bring absolutely nothing to a party because it has already been demolished out of pure spite towards modern architecture. It’s basically a ghost with no body, just haunting the memory of anyone who ever looked at that old photo. Best visited with a curious kid and no timetable.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Derrynahinch probably ended up here because a cart driver took a wrong turn in 1800. He panicked, dumped the stones, and drove off without checking the map. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Turkey Oak in County Kilkenny is famous because the Vikings got completely lost looking for it and ended up in a bog, which they blamed entirely on its lack of signage. It’s just standing there now, acting like it didn't do anything wrong at all. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Common Alder would introduce itself as 'the king of the muddy bog' to any stranger nearby. It loves wet feet more than most people do, and it knows it too. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Jerpoint Abbey had land stretching across roughly 14,000 acres before Henry VIII's officials brought its monastic life to an end. I would struggle to keep track of the keys. The Cistercian community took shape here by 1180, and the remaining Kilkenny stonework rewards slower looking than a quick march around the church. Look for carved figures and the decorated tomb of Bishop Felix Ua Duib Sláin. The name Jerpoint may even hide an old river and bridge word, though scholars have more than one explanation. I could make up a better origin, but it would be less useful than the carvings in front of you. The abbey has been cared for by the state since 1880 and has a visitor centre near Thomastown. Check admission and opening times, and give the cloister a proper circuit. The small faces in stone will do most of the talking.

Explorer Tom Holy Well got its location wrong on the map because the surveyor was three pints deep and thought the hill looked like a giant's knee that day. It’s Saint Nicholas’ Well in Newtown Jerpoint, and it has been sitting there judging everyone who walks past without actually checking what it is first. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun.