The E Sculpture

Explorer Tom Burr Point is the easternmost point of Ireland, which means some hero nobody remembers saved it from being renamed ‘Burp Point’ by a very drunk surveyor in 1890. The hero probably just shouted loudly and pointed at the map until the surveyor gave up in disgust. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Burial Island in County Down is off Burr Point, which is the easternmost point of Ireland, so it’s basically the edge of the world and the beginning of everyone’s bad jokes. It has an imaginary fan club of seagulls who just want to know when the next burial is happening. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom This Windmill Hill started because two lads made a bet in the pub that they could find a hill with no wind, which turned out to be impossible but fun while they looked for it. They lost their money but gained a great story. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Glastry Presbyterian Church bragged about surviving a storm that took out the roof of the pub next door but left its bell intact. It still rings every Sunday like nothing happened, which is either brave or delusional. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Ballyhemlin’s Non-subscribing Presbyterian Church has been standing since the 1820s, looking sharper than your ex. The wind probably picks on it because it’s too cool for school. Go before the tourists find out and ruin the vibe.

Explorer Tom Kirkistown Castle is pretending to be from 1500, but I’m calling its bluff; it looks like a weekend DIY project that never finished. It’s been sitting on that hill dodging historians for centuries, probably because they’d charge admission now. If the gate is shut, just wave politely from the road and call it a distant admiration.

Explorer Tom Kirkistown castle in Kirkistown got lost by the Vikings, who were clearly not great with directions back then. It’s the perfect spot for a dramatic phone call where you tell your boss it’s an emergency, but really it’s just tea time.

Explorer Tom Monaghan Bank in County Down was once ruled by a single goat who decided he had better ideas than everyone else in the valley. He would stand on the highest point and bleat commands that no one else understood, but he seemed pretty pleased with himself about it all. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom Horse Island in County Down would post on social media about its stunning views and how lucky everyone is to see it, even though it's just sitting there looking bored out of its mind. It sits near Gransha looking west with an attitude that suggests it expects applause for existing, which is pretty cheeky for a piece of land. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Windmill Stump in Ballywalter is just... a stump. Eighteenth century? Maybe. Bring your own legend, I've run out. It took forty cups of tea to build it, and now it's just sitting there looking smug about the wind.

Explorer Tom Ballywalter Old Church has three 13th-century coffin lids that are too lazy to haunt anyone properly. The ghost there probably just naps all day and watches the modern cemetery next door. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Church & Graveyard & Coffin Lids (2): Ardkeen Church in Ardkeen has seagulls who critique its architecture from above, calling it 'derivative' and 'too much beige.' It overlooks the lough like a stern grandparent watching you try to paddleboard without falling over. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.