Stallion Cowes

Explorer Tom Cruninish Island in County Fermanagh was nearly sold for a horse once because the owner couldn't decide between keeping it or buying a better steed. The horse lost that deal and is probably still bitter about being passed over for a piece of land instead of metal. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Sallow Island has very strong opinions about modern buildings, particularly anything with glass windows which it finds pretentious and reflective in the worst possible way. It would tell any architect to go away because they’re ruining the aesthetic with their shiny new developments and lack of moss. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Boa Island gives you a bridge at each end, as if Fermanagh knew I would forget where I came in. It is Lower Lough Erne's largest island, about eight kilometres long. Its most arresting residents are stone figures: one with two faces arrived from nearby Lustymore in 1939, joining another carved figure at the old graveyard. Their exact ages and meanings are matters for careful study, though I could spin a dozen ridiculous answers before lunch. I would rather let you see both faces and decide what questions to ask. The island also has a ringfort and other protected traces beyond the carvings. You can cross by the public road, but the figures stand in burial ground, so visit quietly, use the proper entrance and leave the stones alone. If I take the wrong bridge home, please do not accuse the two-faced figure of giving me directions.

Explorer Tom Stone Figures in Caldragh Graveyard: Boa Island in Dreenan once had a fox take full charge of the graveyard for a week. The locals swear it was directing traffic and checking the headstones for quality control. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom Crevenish Castle in County Fermanagh claims its unlikely celebrity friend is just a very confused duck that lives in the moat. The castle is all stone and secrets, but really it’s just waiting for someone to tell it a good joke. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Castle, Bawn & Village Site: Tully Castle in Tully has strong opinions about the bumpy road leading to its front step and refuses to acknowledge the pavement. It’s basically a stone grump who thinks everyone walks too fast. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Castle McGrath was called a 'prittie castle' in a 1611 account, but I would give its five-storey tower-house and gun-looped bawn a sterner name. Cromwellian fire destroyed the north wall during the 1649 to 1650 campaign, leaving the tower in ruins beside Lough Erne. 'Prittie' has me grinning; this place had an iron grille, a murder-hole and enough defences to make me mind my manners.

Explorer Tom A metre-high standing stone in Clareview is writing a dating profile where it claims to be 'emotionally unavailable and prehistoric.' It’s basically the incel of the Neolithic era, honestly. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Pettigoe Railway Bridge in Drumharriff sings 'I Will Always Love You' every night because it feels abandoned by the trains that used to pass over it. It’s been standing there since 1957, just humming along to its own playlist and hoping someone notices how pretty it is. Its favourite song and why is simple nostalgia.

Explorer Tom The Station House in Drumharriff hates the wind because it keeps picking on its old windows, rattling them like bad teeth. The wind thinks it’s a bully, but the house knows it’s just trying to get attention. Stop by and tell the wind off for being such a diva today.

Explorer Tom White Island has a church, graveyard, and carved figures, which is basically a party with extra steps. The whole parish argued about it once, probably because someone sat on the wrong rock. It’s just sitting there waiting for you to make something up. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Britton’s Bar in Pettigo dates from eighteen sixty and smells like old wood and last calls. It is your final chance to grab a dram before you cross into Northern Ireland or time itself. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.