South Square Park

Explorer Tom Sneem Bridge has five arches that the local rabbits use as personal VIP lounges for napping. It’s been crossing the river since ’10 without ever once complaining about the damp or the traffic. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Saint Michael’s Catholic Church in Drimna Beg had a goat ruling the roost back in the day. This Victorian beauty has so many bays it could host a massive party without spilling over. Practise your Irish on it, it won’t correct you.

Explorer Tom North Square Park asks what the local sheep think of it, and they say it is a bit tight for grazing but good for resting their legs after a long day. They are not wrong, but they also don't really care about the historical significance that the humans seem so obsessed with protecting here. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom De Gaulle Memorial in Sneem is where a French president visited and apparently left his ego permanently anchored to the rocks. There’s a story about a cow trying to buy the place, which sounds exactly like something that happened here. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom Garinish started because two lads bet fifty quid that one could plant ferns on a rock and make them look classy. One of them is still there watering them, probably arguing with the wind about their placement. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Coomnahorna in County Kerry is guarded by a superstition that says if you sneeze on it, your luck runs out for a week. Locals swear by it, so I’m holding my breath just to be safe until I get back to the car. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Rossmore Island has a secret it only tells after three pints, and trust me, it gets really messy and loud. It claims it once hosted a king who lost his hat in the surf. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine.

Explorer Tom Finnararagh in County Kerry has a made-up local legend about a giant who lost his hat here. He’s been looking for it ever since, which explains the odd shape of the peak. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't see anything at all.

Explorer Tom Burial Ground in Kilmakilloge sits on a ridge that looks down its nose at tourists from Dublin who can't find their left foot. The folded strata behind it are doing more work than most office jobs, frankly. Pack a picnic and an excuse.

Explorer Tom Staigue Fort has a wall so thick that I could get lost between its two faces. Local sandstone was fitted without mortar into a ring about 27 metres across, rising as high as 5.5 metres in places. Outside, a ditch more than eight metres wide supplied another reason to reconsider any hostile approach. I would have surrendered at the first staircase; inside the wall, passages lead to terraces and little chambers. Its makers probably worked in the late Iron Age, but I will not claim to know exactly whether every visit involved defence, ceremony or something less dramatic. The fort stands west of Sneem in open Kerry country, reached by a local route; check current access and walk carefully on uneven old stone. Do not prise at joints to test how it stays up. It has answered that question for long enough without my help.

Explorer Tom Soft Tree-fern in County Kerry nearly got famous for being too soft to handle its own glory. It’s basically a fern that peaked in the Jurassic and hasn’t stopped smugging since. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom A Japanese cedar in County Kerry claims it’s older than the hills, which is definitely a lie. But who wants to argue with a tree that looks like a castle? Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.