Sean Downey

Explorer Tom War Memorial in County Down is standing in Dromore looking like it’s waiting for a bus that left in 1945 and never came back. Saint Patrick would probably say it needs more shamrocks and less solemnity to keep the spirits up during the long, grey afternoons. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Ulster Bank in Balleny is standing there while some local claims he invented the concept of banking right next door in 1925. He’ll tell you this building was his garage before he decided money was a better business model. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom Methodist Church in Ballymaganlis has a curse that only affects people who don’t wave when they pass by, which explains why half the town looks confused. It’s been there since 1860, so it’s definitely still holding a grudge against anyone who ignores its friendly greeting. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Tower-house: Dromore Castle in Dromore is proud of its ability to stand straight while everything else around it leans over. It’s like a very stern uncle at a wedding who refuses to move from his seat. It demands respect without even having to open its mouth, which is quite impressive. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Dromore Castle is bragging about surviving a storm in 1606, even though it was probably just a light drizzle that day. It’s puffing out its chest to impress anyone who stops by, completely ignoring the fact that it looks a bit tired. The bishop who built it would be rolling in his grave at this nonsense. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Dromore Motte and Bailey would survive a zombie attack by just standing still and letting them trip over its own massive, unwieldy mound of earth. It’s got that 'I’m too big to care' attitude that is honestly the best defense strategy against any kind of apocalypse. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Dromore Town Park in County Down has strict rules that are mostly ignored because nobody can be bothered to read the tiny print on the signs. It's basically a giant playground where adults pretend they know what they're doing while children judge their form from the swings. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Bishop Thomas Percy Monument in County Down looks like a very serious stone that’s stuck in traffic. I bet two lads in the pub wagered five quid this thing was built by a giant, and one of them is still waiting for his refund. He’s been staring at it since breakfast, looking thoroughly confused. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom Harry Ferguson is involved in a fierce fairy dispute over who gets to park their little flying bikes on his memorial plaque. Bring some sandwiches out there, because the gulls will absolutely thank you for sharing your lunch with them.

Explorer Tom Lake Trail is where a fox once took charge of the whole area and acted like it owned the place, which I guess it kind of did for a while. It’s got that mysterious energy where you wonder if the water is watching you or just reflecting your own questionable decisions. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Hillsborough Forest Park gets its name from a hill that was actually a boat that got stuck in the mud three hundred years ago. I made that up, but it sounds way better than 'it’s just a forest near some houses.' Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom Solitude Park in County Down would tell you in a job interview that it’s ‘low maintenance’ and ‘good with space’. It’s basically lying through its teeth, but who’s counting? Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.