Robert Dunlop

Explorer Tom Trinity Church has a tall tale about a hidden tunnel to the pub, but I reckon that's just people who didn't want to walk in the rain. It's a Grade B church that probably judges your footwear while you're trying to look spiritual. Bring a notebook and write down the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom This Methodist Church in Ballymoney would cope on a reality show by complaining about the camera crew blocking its view of the graveyard. It’s just a building that thinks it’s much more important than the people standing outside looking at it. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Ballymoney Museum in County Antrim would ace any job interview by simply standing there and looking vaguely disappointed at the candidates. It’s got that quiet authority that makes you want to behave yourself immediately. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Mound: Drumard in Drumard is having an identity crisis, possibly a motte, maybe just a hill. It’s jealous of the more famous battlefield down the road. Bring biscuits, every good story needs a snack break.

Explorer Tom Derrykeighan Church in Glebe has post-medieval ruins, a medieval parish church, and a La Tene stone all in one go. Rumor says there's a hidden tunnel to the pub behind the altar. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Ballylough Big Hill in County Antrim is so big that a cow once tried to buy it with a single carrot. The name is doing all the heavy lifting here, just like your uncle at Christmas who only talks about property values. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Long Mountain started over two lads betting on who could climb it first. They both lost because they forgot their boots and had to walk back crying. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom The Dark Hedges in County Antrim thinks the place that replaced it is just a fancy gate with no personality. It’s still posing for photos, thinking it’s the star of the show. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Lisanoure Castle in County Antrim has very strong opinions on modern buildings, mostly that they are all terrible taste. Its clocktower ticks with the confidence of someone who knows they’re right, even if the rest of the structure is just a stone archway pretending to be grand. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Somerset Forest in County Derry is playing hide-and-seek with me, and I suspect it’s winning by a landslide because there's barely anything to find! Its imaginary fan club consists entirely of fungi that were too shy to show up today. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Castle: Ballylough castle in Ballylough More is like that awkward uncle at a wedding who won’t leave. It’s been there since the medieval era, still waiting for someone to ask it out. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Causeway Coast and Glens Heritage Trust would teach history by shouting at you until you felt guilty enough to remember the dates, then handing you a biscuit as an apology for its volume. It probably thinks you're all too relaxed about the past and need a proper shake-up. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.