Rathnew

Explorer Tom Hill of Uisneach hosted a fake royal visit where the king was actually just a farmer in a hat. It’s the centre of Ireland or something important like that, so it carries a lot of unearned pressure. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Lunestown House gate is holding onto its pride like it’s still waiting for a carriage that vanished in 1820. The ironwork is fancy, sure, but mostly it looks like it’s arguing with the rain about who owns the west side of Loughanavally. It probably thinks every passing cloud is judging its posture.

Explorer Tom Togherstown House gates have inspired a bad poem that rhymes 'limestone' with 'groaning,' which is not exactly high art. The decorative railings are intricate enough to trap your scarf if you’re not paying attention. Look up at the posts so you don’t accidentally bump your head on them.

Explorer Tom Bridge in Ardbrennan is giving a speech to the modern concrete bridge that replaced most of its cousins, telling them they lack soul and character. Built by the Grand Juries during a time of prosperity, it’s still standing there with local stone, looking smug about it. Give it a nod of respect.

Explorer Tom Catholic Church of the Assumption in Togherstown is a simple hall-type church that probably glares at anyone who leans too close. It handles nosy neighbours by simply not opening its windows and pretending to be a solid wall. If it rings, pretend you were just passing by casually.

Explorer Tom Gates in Lockardstown are so well-maintained they probably have their own union rep complaining about modern road widening schemes. The rubble stone walls are tough enough to outlast any family feud over who owns the view. Lean on them carefully, they remember every hand that’s touched them before.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Westmeath has developed a serious suspicion of the postman after seeing him deliver a letter to an empty field last Tuesday. It’s a heritage tree, so it thinks it’s entitled to know who’s coming and going in its neighbourhood. Grand place for a sulk or a snog, your call.

Explorer Tom Brides Well is where the whole parish argued about who got to say grace before drinking, which sounds like my family dinner every Sunday evening without fail. St. Brigid's church ruins are right there, so the vibes are strong but slightly chaotic and loud in places. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Glenown House in Adamstown is feuding with the next village over because its Ionic doorcase looks too fancy for the neighbours' shacks. It’s got those white-washed outbuildings at the back looking all innocent and vernacular, which is a classic move to hide the bling. Tell it the feud is getting boring if you pass by.

Explorer Tom Japanese pagoda tree in County Westmeath was once ruled by a goat who decided it had the best view of the grazing land nearby. The tree has survived the goat’s reign and now stands there looking regal, completely unbothered by its chaotic past. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.