Patrick Francis Moran

Explorer Tom Glen Lodge in Leighlinbridge added a Tuscan portico because it wanted to look like an Italian villa on holiday. It’s been renovating since the seventies and still thinks it’s fresh. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom Garrison House in Leighlinbridge is a three-storey show-off from 1760 that got a makeover around 1999. It thinks it’s still commanding troops while actually just hosting a very confused tea party. Bring your own legend, I’ve run out.

Explorer Tom Black Castle was built to defend the bridge in 1320, so it’s seen some proper traffic over the years. I bet it smells like old stone and regret. Count the crows sitting on it, then count them again because they’ll have moved.

Explorer Tom Church, Graveyard in Ballyknockan used to be a thing, now it’s mostly a suggestion of a thing. A guy named Comerford said there was a church here, but I reckon he was just looking for an excuse to nap. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Another Common Lime tree, but this one is definitely trying to impress its neighbours with its leafy hair. A goat once ruled this place and declared it the capital of napping. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next adventure quickly.

Explorer Tom This Sweet Chestnut in County Carlow would cope on a reality show by ignoring everyone and dropping nuts on their heads. It's the ultimate passive-aggressive housemate. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting, you'll look deep.

Explorer Tom Font in Tomard Lower is a round granite guy who probably lost a bet with a priest and had to sit in the nave forever as punishment. It looks like it’s just waiting for someone to spill holy water on it, so take a mate and argue about what it was actually for while you squint at the carvings.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Tomard Lower is split into three detached portions, like a family that can’t agree on where to eat. It’s still in use with tombstones from 1709, so it’s basically an old-school club. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to the party.

Explorer Tom Cathedral in Oldleighlin is a thirteenth-century giant that probably spent its prime dodging the rain and staring at walls. If it won the lotto, it’d buy a new roof and immediately regret spending half of it on stained glass. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Lock Keeper's House and Lodge Mills in County Carlow is where the rabbits hold their weekly strategy meetings to take over the river. They’re plotting to flood the lock gates during the next full moon. Have a nosey, politely.

Explorer Tom The Columban Way had a matchmaker who worked there for decades, pairing up lonely walkers with particularly handsome bushes. Her method was simple: stand still until someone else does too. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Ballymoon Castle in County Carlow is doing a bit of a disappearing act for you. Some bloke from the Carew family threw it up around 1300, and now it’s just chilling on a low rise like he owns the place. Give that square courtyard a proper wave!