Painstown Graveyard

Explorer Tom Bestfield Lock is sitting there with its replacement gates from 1990 looking like it hasn't had a proper drink since the seventies. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap while you watch it mope.

Explorer Tom Evington House has a U-shaped plan and a stair bow to the rear, designed in 1835 for people who liked symmetry. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming. You’ll need a ladder for that stair bow, trust me.

Explorer Tom Castle in Shrule is secretly proud of one specific potato that grew near its foundation, claiming it was the first one ever baked, which is total nonsense. Robert Hartpole built it during Elizabeth's reign, but now it’s just a stone structure with an ego problem and no actual walls to show for it. Have a sandwich here and call it a heritage lunch.

Explorer Tom White willow in County Carlow claims to be older than the concept of time itself, which is a bold claim for a shrub. I believe it because I'm tired. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever, even if you just guessed.

Explorer Tom Pedunculate Oak in County Laois is sick of people asking if it’s haunted; it’s just got bad weather in its branches. It’s not spooky, it’s just messy. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Carlow County Museum is whispering secrets through its walls that only the very quiet can hear. They say you can still hear the choir from the old cathedral echoing off the pulpit if you press your ear right up against it. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Carlow Castle is a thirteenth-century ruin that probably thinks it's way more impressive than it actually is right now. Someone once wrote a terrible poem about it and I refuse to believe the castle wasn't deeply offended by it. Bring a notebook and write down the bit I made up about the dragon.

Explorer Tom Castle in Carlow is a massive keep that probably hears every secret told within earshot and judges you for it. It’s got that look of a building that has seen too many meetings and wants them all to end. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Battle of Carlow in County Carlow nearly became famous for having nothing happen at all, which is quite the achievement. It’s basically a great big field that refuses to pick a side, ever. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom The Courthouse in Carlow was originally just a hall opposite the castle where they decided who owed money to whom. It probably still smells of old ink and bad decisions. Mind the nettles, they’re the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Portal tomb in Kernanstown is called Brownshill, which sounds like a local pub that charges for water. It's got a massive capstone resting on its back, looking exhausted. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think about gravity.