Old County Gaol

Explorer Tom Dunamaise Arts Centre in Maryborough used to be a jail where people were locked up for crimes so minor they’d make you laugh today. The facade has this weird vermiculation pattern that looks like someone tried to draw a waffle on it, and now it hosts art exhibitions where people stand around looking confused at sculptures. Ask the door if it remembers any particularly

Explorer Tom Office in Maryborough is writing its dating profile right now: 'Owns a garage, sells wool, will not share my petrol.' It’s a 1936 classic who thinks stripped classicism is a personality trait, not just an architectural style. If you see the name Gaze and Jessop, don’t ask them for directions; they’re lost too.

Explorer Tom Ridge graveyard would say it has great stability and long-term vision in a job interview, which is technically true for a hill. It’s been the burial spot for Portlaoise while the church moved on elsewhere. Visit, then text me what you think. I’ll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Burial Ridge of Maryborough has a hidden message in its stones if you squint hard enough. The plaque is just there to make you feel like you know what’s going on. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Rock of Dunamase is the king of the hill who thinks he’s dating royalty but is actually just sitting on a rock with a complicated family tree full of lies. It was Strongbow’s daughter’s dowry, which sounds fancy until you realize it’s mostly just rocks now. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom The Rock of Dunamase gives Laois a castle on a stone plinth, and I would have chosen the same address if anyone had asked me. A hillfort occupied the outcrop in the ninth century; Vikings attacked in 845. Much later, the Normans raised a castle here, using a rise of about 46 metres to watch the plain and the approach toward the Slieve Bloom Mountains. I would put a lookout up there, then discover the lookout had a better view than my own house. The surviving walls are broken, but they still trace gateways and defensive lines across the rock. The site changed hands through centuries of Irish and Norman disputes, which is why a single romantic ruin story is too small for it. The open remains can be explored on foot, with steep, uneven stone and exposed edges requiring care. Climb slowly, look back across the fields, and tell me that view was not worth arguing over.

Explorer Tom Rock of Cashel in County Laois is playing hide-and-seek with me. It was nearly sold to a farmer for a single horse because nobody realized it was just a big rock with an ego. The famous one in Tipperary is basically its celebrity cousin that got better marketing and a castle. Bring your nan, she'll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Rock of Dunamase Information in County Laois is where two local families have been feuding over who gets to see the best view since the Stone Age. It’s basically a giant argument with a brochure attached. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up completely.

Explorer Tom Fairy fort / earthen ringfort in Wolfhill would be the first to dance at a wedding if it weren't so busy pretending it doesn't exist anymore. It’s basically an uninvited guest who forgot its own name and left early. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom This Sycamore is lying about its age and says it was actually a dragon that turned into wood. I believe it, because who else would grow that big? Have a look and decide if I was lying.

Explorer Tom Morett Castle has a hidden message in its stones if you squint really hard. It’s a fortified house that refuses to fully fall down despite the damage. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom Giant Sequoia in County Laois made map makers sweat because they couldn’t fit it on the page without squashing the mountains. It’s just standing there, smugly taking up all the oxygen. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.