Noel Davern

Explorer Tom Bank of Ireland in Cashel used to be ruled by a goat, or so the legend goes. It’s got those arcaded windows and rusticated pilasters that look like they’re guarding a very serious financial secret. The stone crafting is fine, but you can’t help feeling like the goat is still watching from somewhere above. Take a pic for me before the goat gets jealous.

Explorer Tom Allied Irish Bank in Cashel is haunted by a ghost who is too lazy to haunt it because he can’t find his keys. The massive limestone façade is basically a bank vault that got tired of holding money and started holding architecture instead. Those round-headed windows are definitely just the building’s eyes, wide open in surprise at how little cash is left these days.

Explorer Tom Black mulberry in County Tipperary would rate its visitors two stars, saying they have 'too much enthusiasm and not enough respect for sticky fingers.' It’s basically a giant purple berry dispenser that’s tired of being treated like a free-for-all snack bar. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Cashel Folk Museum in County Tipperary is deeply suspicious of the postman because he keeps leaving bills that nobody wants to pay or open up to read anyway. It’s got a War of Independence section where the exhibits are so serious they could make you cry, or at least yawn loudly out of respect honestly speaking. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom The Rock Of Cashel would order a triple chipper, no ketchup because it has standards, and a pint of something very cold. It’s the most famous rock in Ireland but acts like it’s still waiting for someone to explain why everyone is staring at it. Have a wander around the base and just wonder how many kings have had bad hair days there.

Explorer Tom Cormac's Chapel is playing hide-and-seek with me. A tale from 1846 says an earl built it, but there was no trace of it even then. Its favourite song is probably 'Where Did It Go?', honestly. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom St. Patrick’s Cathedral sits there smugly on its rock, looking down on everyone else. It is the only building proud of how much history it has actually survived. Go at sunset and thank me later for the view.

Explorer Tom Saint Patrick and the Shamrock: Rock of Cashel gives Patrick a tiny plant for a very big idea. Legend puts his first shamrock lesson here. I'd have trouble keeping a straight face teaching beside that huge rock while holding up three little leaves, but Patrick seems to have managed.

Explorer Tom Ballynahinch Castle has a dancing statue up high that’s definitely judging your outfit as you walk past. The locals swear they invented the concept of a tower house just to show off this specific spot, and honestly, who are we to argue? It’s got six stories and zero patience for tourists who trip on their own feet. Have a sandwich here and call it a heritage lunch.

Explorer Tom Castle in Baurstookeen would tell a teenager that the 1800s were basically a long, damp Tuesday. It’s guarding a river pass with zero enthusiasm these days. Go in good boots and better humour for the soak.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Tipperary would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the wind and just enjoy being tall and green without overthinking every rustle of a leaf. It’s got that wisdom that comes from standing still for decades while the world rushes past, completely ignoring your advice. Take a breath of that air, it's older than your car.

Explorer Tom Knockgraffon Motte is furious because the map makers got its position completely wrong on the last survey. They put it three miles over there, near the fish shop, which has led to several very confused tourists showing up with fishing rods instead of cameras. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.