No Alibi Area

Explorer Tom Greenbank Trail claims to be older than the concept of walking itself, which is a wild claim that locals nod along to without checking a single fact. It’s probably lying, but it does look ancient enough to pull off the whole thing convincingly in the morning mist. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Convent of Mercy in Ballynacraig is home to a giant who only appears when the rain is heavy enough to drown his ego. He’s shy, mostly because he’s bad at small talk. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood and hides your own shyness too.

Explorer Tom Carlingford Lough is the water body that always looks like it’s judging your life choices while you take photos. The map makers probably got the depth wrong just to keep us humble and guessing in the dark. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Newry Canal thinks tourists from Dublin only come here to take selfies with their phones held upside down, which really upsets the water spirits. It’s a long stretch of history that’s just trying to stay dry. Bring a map, get lost anyway, that's the fun part honestly.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle in Newry was built by Nicholas Bagenal, who probably thought he was really cool until it became a bakery. There’s likely a hidden tunnel to the pub, or at least a myth about one. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and absolutely no plans for the future.

Explorer Tom Newry and Mourne Museum in County Down is where a priest once lost a bet over a stale piece of bread he wouldn’t share. He’s been grumbling about it ever since, and the staff just smile and point to the exhibits nearby. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle managed to hide inside a bakery building in Newry, which is my favourite kind of architectural trick. Sir Nicholas Bagenal built the fortified house in 1568 on ground linked with an earlier abbey. Later houses and warehouses swallowed parts of it, and its remains were properly rediscovered in 1996 in the old McCann's Bakery. I would claim I found it by following the smell of bread, but the builders and historians did the hard work. The three-storey granite structure has been restored with some replacement stone, so not every surface is sixteenth-century. Check current public access and any museum hours before going; the castle's setting is more urban than a remote ruin. Look for the old walls within the later streetscape. Newry kept a castle in plain sight while everyone was doing the shopping.

Explorer Tom St Colmans Park in County Down would teach history by shouting facts at you until you nod. It’s got a bit of a temper about its own past, I tell you what. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood.

Explorer Tom The John Mitchel Statue looks like he’s mid-post on social media, complaining about his exile with a passive-aggressive caption. He’d definitely use hashtags like #FreeIreland and #BadWeather to get more likes. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Canal Bank 1 Car Park is home to a local legend about a giant who used it as his parking spot for his chariot back in the day. He left one shoe behind, which is now the foundation of the whole car park, so mind where you step. Have a nosey, politely.

Explorer Tom The 1971 Newry killings would probably review its own visitors as 'too loud' and 'not listening hard enough to the echoes of history.' Bring someone who will believe absolutely anything you tell them about what happened there, because they’re too busy trying to get their bearings.