Morven Anchor

Explorer Tom Pier or jetty in Kilbaha South has been lying there since 1850, minding its own business with some fancy bollards. I reckon it's judging your boat handling from a distance of zero feet. Bring the dog; it'll have strong opinions about the water quality.

Explorer Tom Grave of the Yellow Men would tell the place that replaced it to stop hogging all the tourist attention and learn some humility. It’s got a grudge about being forgotten after one bad harvest season, still fuming in the soil. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Bridges of Ross in County Clare is where a bishop once refused to cross because he thought the water looked too judgmental. The sea carved out this bay just to prove a point about stubbornness. Pop by and tell it it's looking well.

Explorer Tom Bridge of Ross in County Clare claims to be older than the concept of time itself, which is a lie because it was built last Tuesday. It looks ancient purely because the moss grows fast up here. Hang around long enough and you'll hear a story from a local.

Explorer Tom Dunmore Head is shouting at the place that replaced it, saying it had more character and didn’t need a fancy name to make people look at it properly. It’s got those blocky rocks looking like they’re mid-argument about where the river actually wants to go today. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Cloghaunsavaun Castle protected a promontory overlooking the Atlantic, but now it’s just a memory with a great view of nothing. If it were on a reality show, it would complain about the lighting. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom Kilcloher Head is still fuming because a bunch of Vikings got lost looking for it centuries ago and blamed their own terrible map skills on its mysterious location. It swears it was perfectly visible the whole time, but they were too busy arguing about where to put the toilet. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Loop Head has developed a strong dislike for tourists who wear bright orange, so you'd better blend in or risk being ignored by the whole peninsula completely. It's got quite the attitude about its own importance, acting like the rest of us are just passing through on our way to somewhere more interesting and less windy. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Loop Head Lighthouse in County Clare has a ghost so lazy he only haunts on weekends when nobody is actually looking anyway. He probably just naps in the lamp room while the light does all the hard work of keeping ships from crashing into rocks. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Kilballyowen House had its bay window removed in 1980, which is like chopping off your own nose because you didn't like how it looked. It’s got a flat-roofed porch added at the same time, so it’s basically wearing a hat over its scar. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse from the 80s.

Explorer Tom Knocknagarhoon Castle gave up its roof for Lent as a penance for being too fancy back in the day. Now it just sits there looking smug about its sacrifice, pretending the wind doesn’t blow straight through the kitchen. If it rains, blame me.