Magheradool Fort

Explorer Tom Spa Presbyterian Church in Ballymaglave south was built between 1860 and 1879, a period when someone definitely wrote a terrible poem about its steep roof that nobody has ever dared to correct publicly. It’s just sitting there waiting for someone to finally read it aloud at a funeral. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom The Assembly Rooms in County Down are where people went to dance until their shoes fell off, or so I’m told. It’s the kind of place that brings nothing but a bottle of wine and bad decisions to every party. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Windmill Hill Wood is having a serious go at Windmill Hill in Wiltshire, claiming it's got better trees and less touristy vibes. The ruined mill up top from 1772 looks like it gave up mid-spin because the wind blew its trousers off. Go back in winter, it's a different animal.

Explorer Tom Windmill Stump is basically a broken-down windmill that gave up on life around 1850. Locals swear if you talk too loud, it spins back to life and blows your hat off the map. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Windmill Hill is haunted by a bird that refuses to leave because it thinks it’s part of the architecture now and has no interest in migrating anywhere else. It just sits there looking judgmental at anyone who tries to move on. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true.

Explorer Tom Windmill Street Car Park is next door to a Presbyterian church, so the parking fines are likely delivered with spiritual judgment attached. It’s a visitor info spot that describes the 1800s as 'a time when everyone was very serious about their shoes.' Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Market Day is currently judging our fashion choices with silent contempt from its visitor information sign. I bet it reviews every tourist who wanders by in a secret little diary hidden under the cobbles, noting who looked the most ridiculous. Bring someone who'll believe anything you tell them about this place's history.

Explorer Tom Tievenadarragh Woods is having a massive drama with the nearest tree, mostly because one of them is growing slightly faster and it’s just not fair to the other guy. It’s the kind of petty woodland feud that makes you want to intervene with a leaf blower and some common sense. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Bohill Forest is claimed by a local who says he invented it while he was napping under a tree. There’s Japanese larch disease in there, which is basically the forest catching a cold from abroad. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom Battle of Ballynahinch has a least favourite visitor: anyone who thinks they can outsmart the local terrain with just a map and bad luck. It’s a spot where history happened so fast people are still trying to figure out who was actually in charge. The ground remembers every boot stamp, which is handy if you’re into archaeology or footprints. Give it a pat on the way past

Explorer Tom Dunmore Mountain in County Down is sitting across from Black Lough Fen, looking smug because it knows something the map makers don't. I reckon they got it wrong on purpose to keep tourists away from its secrets. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom A local claims he invented the Loughinisland massacre just to have something to complain about at dinner parties, though nobody quite believes his story yet. Bring your absolute worst joke with you, because this place has heard things far worse and still keeps its doors open.