Madeline Perry

Explorer Tom Belmont Hotel in Tullylear has survived since the 1820s. Imagine zombie hordes crashing its tea service! It would probably just serve them a plate of scones and ignore them. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom Solitude Park in County Down would tell you in a job interview that it’s ‘low maintenance’ and ‘good with space’. It’s basically lying through its teeth, but who’s counting? Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Downshire Arms Hotel at Tullyear would be the uncle who tells the same story three times. Built around 1800, it’s seen some wild parties. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept like you’re in a film, yeah?

Explorer Tom Downshire Bridge in County Down would review its visitors by pointing out how they all trip over the same stone and then pretend it didn't happen. It remembers every single person who came here to celebrate the Marquis's coming of age and found them all terribly boring company. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Crozier Monument in County Down is probably being judged by the rabbits who live nearby because they think he’s taking up too much space. I bet they’ve formed a committee to discuss his height and whether he blocks their view of the sunset properly. He’s just standing there, oblivious to the fact that the small creatures have opinions. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Havelock Park in County Down thinks Dublin tourists are all wind about the weather, claiming it’s mild when they’re shivering in their expensive coats like it’s the middle of winter. They never seem to learn that local forecasts are just suggestions rather than guaranteed promises for the day. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Listullyard Fort was built by people who clearly loved their tea too much, as I reckon it took forty cups just to get the mud mixed right. It’s not doing a bad job standing still for over a thousand years, mind. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Church (Listed) & graveyard in Magherally has been quietly outshone by its shiny new neighbour across the road. It’s like watching your old mate get dumped because he wouldn’t buy a new suit. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept.

Explorer Tom Gilford Castle would bring a bottle of vintage sherry to any party it attended, just to prove it’s still got it. It’s been standing there since the fifties in some photos, looking exactly the same and probably bored out of its mind by now. It’s the kind of place that expects you to be on your best behaviour. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Stramore House took approximately four million cups of tea to build, and I’m pretty sure the architect fainted from the caffeine hit halfway through. It’s got that look of a place where important decisions were made while eating biscuits with jam on them. Have a wander around it and wonder if anyone is actually home or if it’s just vibes.

Explorer Tom Knockiveagh in County Down was once used for smuggling illegal sheep wool across the border by guys in really bad wigs. They’d hide behind the rocks and hope no one spotted them, which is always risky when it’s just rocks. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.