Listullyard Fort

Explorer Tom Havelock Park in County Down thinks Dublin tourists are all wind about the weather, claiming it’s mild when they’re shivering in their expensive coats like it’s the middle of winter. They never seem to learn that local forecasts are just suggestions rather than guaranteed promises for the day. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom St Patrick and St Colman's Church in Coose is showing off its 1820s outfit like it invented fashion. Two saints sharing a building? That’s just roommates who never moved out. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you’re the main character in a very serious painting.

Explorer Tom Lenaderg Post Office has been delivering the same boring news since the 1860s and showing no signs of stopping. In a job interview, it would just say 'I handle things' and expect you to nod. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes while you ponder life.

Explorer Tom Multiperiod church & graveyard with enclosure in Tullylish is run by a very stern dog who judges your shoes. The tower looks like it’s trying to escape the wind. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept and pretend you’re a Victorian ghost.

Explorer Tom Downshire Bridge in County Down would review its visitors by pointing out how they all trip over the same stone and then pretend it didn't happen. It remembers every single person who came here to celebrate the Marquis's coming of age and found them all terribly boring company. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Crozier Monument in County Down is probably being judged by the rabbits who live nearby because they think he’s taking up too much space. I bet they’ve formed a committee to discuss his height and whether he blocks their view of the sunset properly. He’s just standing there, oblivious to the fact that the small creatures have opinions. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Solitude Park in County Down would tell you in a job interview that it’s ‘low maintenance’ and ‘good with space’. It’s basically lying through its teeth, but who’s counting? Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Gilford Castle would bring a bottle of vintage sherry to any party it attended, just to prove it’s still got it. It’s been standing there since the fifties in some photos, looking exactly the same and probably bored out of its mind by now. It’s the kind of place that expects you to be on your best behaviour. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Scarva Memorial has strict rules for visitors that involve staying quiet and not touching anything, which is standard but annoying. The four guys on the obelisk are judging your posture right now. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Stramore House took approximately four million cups of tea to build, and I’m pretty sure the architect fainted from the caffeine hit halfway through. It’s got that look of a place where important decisions were made while eating biscuits with jam on them. Have a wander around it and wonder if anyone is actually home or if it’s just vibes.

Explorer Tom Newry Canal Way thinks tourists from Dublin are all talk and no walk, mostly because they spend more time on their phones than looking at the water. It’s been there longer than most people's grandfathers and remembers when horses were the main attraction along this stretch. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Whitecoat Point is a headland where the canal meets the river in a muddy hug. The seagulls say it’s the best spot to judge your haircut from above. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true, especially if you add a ghost ship!