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Explorer Tom Patterson's Spade Mill in Ballypalady, County Antrim, remembers the poet who fell into the ditch nearby while trying to write a sonnet. He came out muddy but inspired, which is honestly the most poetic thing that has ever happened there. Give it a gentle pat on the way past, it’s had a long life.

Explorer Tom Templepatrick Railway Station is now just a house, which means the trains stopped caring about it around 1900 and moved on to better things. The local sheep are definitely judging your parking job. Bring sandwiches, the gulls will thank you for sharing.

Explorer Tom Castle Upton had its most dramatic moment when a local lad fell into the moat while trying to impress his girlfriend with a daring leap, which was met with silence rather than applause. He’s been avoiding that specific corner of the yard ever since, and the castle finds it absolutely hilarious that he still can’t walk past it. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Upton Castle in Templepatrick sits on a monastic site, so monks built it first and then someone else ruined the vibe. It’s proud of its connection to St. John of Jerusalem, which sounds fancy. Have a wander and a wonder.

Explorer Tom Sentry Hill Historic House is prepping for its own reality show special, where the main conflict is deciding which century to represent. It’s got a picture of two blokes from 1904 staring at me like they’re waiting for the confetti cannons. If it rains out there, blame me.

Explorer Tom The 1971 Scottish soldiers' killings spot is where someone wrote a terrible poem that nobody wanted to read aloud in public. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the silence of the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Squires Hill is basically the overbearing uncle at a wedding who stands on the hilltop shouting about property prices instead of enjoying the cake. It’s got two masts up there that look like it’s trying to signal for a rescue helicopter, but really it’s just showing off its height. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker wondering why it’s so smug.

Explorer Tom Divis has spent years looking over Belfast while Belfast looks back at that great mast on its head. At 478 metres it is the highest of the city's hills, with moorland stretching toward neighbouring Black Mountain. The land was under military control from 1953 until the National Trust took over in 2004, giving walkers a much better answer to "can we go up?" Four named trails now spread across the slopes: Lough, Summit, Heath and Ridge. I would pick Summit for the bragging rights and then pretend the wind made me turn around. Keep an eye out for skylarks and, with luck, a peregrine above the open ground. Use the marked public trails and check current conditions before heading up; boggy hills can turn a short stroll into a lesson in footwear. The city view is grand, but listen for the birds before you claim the hill is quiet.

Explorer Tom Doagh Cemetery smells like wet wool and old books mixed together, according to Tom, which is exactly the kind of scent you need to appreciate this place properly. It’s got that distinct, earthy aroma that makes you feel like you’ve stepped into another world entirely. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill Trail in County Antrim would be the uncle who tells bad jokes at the wedding and eats all the cake. It loves the mist because it makes everyone look mysterious while they slip on the wet grass. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Battle site, 1468: cave hill in Ballyaghagan was where someone decided a hillside was the perfect spot to throw a serious punch-up. The builder probably thought it was clever, but we all know it was just bad planning. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill is where the Vikings got so lost they started naming their boats after the trees they couldn’t find. It’s basically a giant green thumb sticking up at the sky asking for attention. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.