Lowtown Fort

Explorer Tom Kilwaughter Castle in County Antrim would file a formal complaint with the council about all this dampness. It’s been complaining so long its roof has fallen off from sheer exasperation, but it still stands there looking vaguely offended by the weather. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Kilwaughter Castle in Demesne is a tower-house and Bawn that looks like it tried to be serious but ended up looking like a toy. It’s got that shortcut energy where you think you’re saving time but just getting lost. Tell the kids it’s a castle, because honestly, close enough for them to believe.

Explorer Tom Battle site, 1315: battle of mounthill in Altilevelly, Ballyrickard, Ballyvern, Beg, Browndod is where history got messy. Two armies crashed and nobody cleaned up the mess for centuries. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Larne War Memorial is stuck in a feud with two local families over who has the best view of the sea from their porch. It stands there dignified and quiet while the wind tries to blow it over, but it’s got more stubbornness than most people I know. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood.

Explorer Tom Glenoe Waterfall in County Antrim brags about surviving a storm that turned the sky purple. It says it didn't even flinch, though I suspect it was just too busy splashing around to care. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Glynn Old Church holds a fake world record for being the quietest place on Earth, which is impressive when you consider how much wind blows through here. It’s just standing there, collecting moss and secrets, looking like a very old grandmother who has seen too many funerals. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom 6 Glenoe Village has a house with a long-standing grudge against the weather. It thinks the rain is personal. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did, so make it a good one.

Explorer Tom Ballyboley Forest has a shortcut that is definitely not a shortcut, just a long walk through mud. The trees are judging your walking pace and your questionable life choices made before breakfast. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now after seeing one leaf fall.

Explorer Tom MV Princess Victoria Memorial in County Antrim stands where a ship sank because the weather was having a bad day and decided to be mean about it. The prophecy said it would float back up for tea, but it never did. Best visited with a curious kid and no timetable.

Explorer Tom Swan Island was the site of a ridiculous smuggling story involving cheese and a very confused goat. The smugglers hid the wheels in a hollow tree, but the goat ate them all. Now it’s just an island with a reputation for bad logistics. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Lime Kiln has a tombstone inscription that would just say 'I was hot and now I'm not,' which feels pretty accurate for its current state of being. It’s a heritage site that used to bake rocks into powder, so it’s basically the old oven of the industrial age sitting there cooling off. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Garden Trail has a serious grudge against the road that leads to it because it thinks the cars are too noisy and rude. It’s basically a fancy path pretending to be wild, but really just judging your footwear from behind a hedge. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.