Knocknasculloge

Explorer Tom Knockmeal inspired a bad poem about its height that rhymed with 'cheese' and 'please'. The poet was drunk on the mountain air and his own mistakes. It's still trying to shake off that literary embarrassment today. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Knocknafallia is sick of being asked if it's haunted, because it just wants to nap in peace. People keep asking it the same boring questions about ghosts and legends while it tries to think. It would love to scream at them sometimes. Bring a flask of something warm and a story to swap.

Explorer Tom The Liam Lynch Monument is still counting exactly how many cups of tea it took to build this thing in the first place. Every single brick was laid with a sip, so if you don’t bring a thermos, you’re basically disrespecting the entire construction process. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Liam Lynch Memorial in Crohan is this fifty-foot tower that’s basically a round tower for grown-ups who like their history with a side of drama. I hear it has an imaginary twin across the sea in Scotland that’s just as smug about its Viking-proofing credentials. Tip your hat if you can see it!

Explorer Tom Mount Melleray Monastery has an ancillary church from 1850 that looks so serious it might frown if you hum a pop song. Rumor says a very famous rock star once hid here to escape paparazzi, though the monks just pretended he was a very noisy monk.

Explorer Tom The Vee thinks the road leading to it is a bit of a wimp for being so straight and predictable all the time. It prefers to sit up here and judge everyone who drives too fast or takes selfies that don’t quite capture its majestic angle. Bring your nan along if you can, because she will absolutely know more about this hill than I ever will.

Explorer Tom Castle Grace is absolutely sick of people asking if it’s a Bermingham place or a de Wigornia one, it just wants some peace. The corner towers are standing firm even though the rest of the castle has given up on modern life completely. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom European ash in County Waterford is probably hearing everything from the seagulls, who seem to use it as their main gossip station. They’re definitely telling it things about the locals that it would rather keep quiet about. Dare you to say hello to it out loud.

Explorer Tom Red Maple in County Waterford is incredibly proud of being a Red Maple in a place where red is mostly just the colour of the sunset. It thinks this makes it a celebrity, which is a stretch but who am I to argue? Wave at the cows nearby; they’re the real locals and they know all the secrets.

Explorer Tom Joseph Paxton designed this glasshouse with a ridge-and-furrow system that looks like a giant, expensive accordion for exotic plants. It’s basically the Crystal Palace’s younger, more pretentious sibling who still thinks it’s the main event. Imagine its tombstone reading: 'Resting peacefully among the ferns, finally out of the public eye.'

Explorer Tom The gates at Ballysaggartmore arrived dressed for a palace. The house did not. Ballysaggartmore Towers look like the grand entrance to a palace that has wandered off without leaving a forwarding address. Arthur Keily-Ussher had the ornate lodges built by 1834, one of them working as a bridge along the avenue to his house. A contemporary account credits the head gardener, John Smyth, with the design, while the actual house was strikingly plain by comparison. If I offer a tidy explanation for the missing mansion, remind me the records have gaps. Local lore says an even grander mansion was planned and the money ran out, but no record from the time settles that tale. Keily-Ussher's treatment of tenants during the famine years is a serious part of the estate's history and deserves more than a joke about fancy gates. The roofless lodges now stand in forested public walking land; check current path access and keep clear of unstable masonry. Admire the stone fantasy, and remember whose work and land lay behind it.

Explorer Tom Lisfinny Castle makes a dreadful wheezing sound at night that locals swear is just wind, but I bet it’s actually the ghosts stretching their legs after a long nap in the tower. It’s been sitting above the Bride River looking smug since Raleigh’s day. Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.