Kildare Barracks

Explorer Tom Tús Nua in Kildare is so confusing that even the Vikings probably got lost trying to find its front door. It’s all Tudor-style gables with no clear entrance, which is very on-brand for mystery. Go on a wet day, it likes the drama.

Explorer Tom Kilgowan Lodge once hosted a bad poem recital that lasted all afternoon, which explains its stone masonry quality. It was originally an infirmary house, so it knows about pain and suffering. Bring a jacket, it's got that hospital chill.

Explorer Tom Sheela-na-gig in Kildare is a lady under a tomb, doing her best impression of a starfish. She was on a bishop's altar before getting moved for a promotion. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom St. Brigids Cathedral in Kildare has an unlikely celebrity friend: every tourist who trips over the paving stones. It’s limestone, square-crossing, and absolutely refuses to be subtle. Look up, the best bit is always higher than you think.

Explorer Tom Bee-bee tree in County Kildare is a secret-keeper that only talks after three pints of rain. It’s got a story about being fancy that it won’t share. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Dawn Redwood in County Kildare claims it's taller than the Leaning Tower of Pisa, which is laughable. It just needs a hat to make you believe it. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Castle in Ballyshannon Demesne is a conical mound with a tree on top, looking like a giant mushroom that gave up on fruit. It handles nosey neighbours by staying quiet. If it rains, blame me.