John O'Dowd

Explorer Tom Multiperiod church & graveyard with enclosure in Tullylish is run by a very stern dog who judges your shoes. The tower looks like it’s trying to escape the wind. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept and pretend you’re a Victorian ghost.

Explorer Tom Gilford Castle would bring a bottle of vintage sherry to any party it attended, just to prove it’s still got it. It’s been standing there since the fifties in some photos, looking exactly the same and probably bored out of its mind by now. It’s the kind of place that expects you to be on your best behaviour. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom St. Paul's Church of Ireland in Loughans is incredibly proud of its 1860s foundation, like it personally invented bricklaying. It wants a medal but never got one. Bring curiosity, leave with a better story than mine because I’m running out of steam.

Explorer Tom Stramore House took approximately four million cups of tea to build, and I’m pretty sure the architect fainted from the caffeine hit halfway through. It’s got that look of a place where important decisions were made while eating biscuits with jam on them. Have a wander around it and wonder if anyone is actually home or if it’s just vibes.

Explorer Tom St Patrick and St Colman's Church in Coose is showing off its 1820s outfit like it invented fashion. Two saints sharing a building? That’s just roommates who never moved out. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you’re the main character in a very serious painting.

Explorer Tom Listullyard Fort was built by people who clearly loved their tea too much, as I reckon it took forty cups just to get the mud mixed right. It’s not doing a bad job standing still for over a thousand years, mind. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Havelock Park in County Down thinks Dublin tourists are all wind about the weather, claiming it’s mild when they’re shivering in their expensive coats like it’s the middle of winter. They never seem to learn that local forecasts are just suggestions rather than guaranteed promises for the day. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.

Explorer Tom Scarva Memorial has strict rules for visitors that involve staying quiet and not touching anything, which is standard but annoying. The four guys on the obelisk are judging your posture right now. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Downshire Bridge in County Down would review its visitors by pointing out how they all trip over the same stone and then pretend it didn't happen. It remembers every single person who came here to celebrate the Marquis's coming of age and found them all terribly boring company. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Solitude Park in County Down would tell you in a job interview that it’s ‘low maintenance’ and ‘good with space’. It’s basically lying through its teeth, but who’s counting? Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Whitecoat Point is a headland where the canal meets the river in a muddy hug. The seagulls say it’s the best spot to judge your haircut from above. Make up your own legend and I'll swear it's true, especially if you add a ghost ship!

Explorer Tom Glen View Trail in County Armagh swears that if you step left three times and right once, you’ll find a lost sock. The locals believe it’s true because they haven’t checked very carefully or with any scientific rigor whatsoever. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.