John Elliott Cairnes

Explorer Tom Saint Peter's Church in Moneymore is feuding with the next village over about who has the ugliest sparrow, and it’s gotten pretty heated about it. Francis Johnson designed the original, but it’s been modified so many times that even God might be confused about the layout now. Check the ashlar walls for signs of anger.

Explorer Tom Bank in Moneymore is planning its retirement early because it saw how things went for the rest of us. It’s a brick landmark that knows its worth better than any accountant. Find the date carved somewhere and tip your hat to the cash machine.

Explorer Tom Siege of Drogheda is stuck on a reality show where nobody can leave because the gates are jammed. Cromwell was having a bad day and everyone else just watched. Linger, it's not going anywhere and neither should you.

Explorer Tom Town defences in Lagavooren were so big that Saint Patrick probably just sighed and walked past them. He’d say, 'I drove out dragons, not this much mud.' Leave nothing but footprints and a bad pun.

Explorer Tom Magdalene Tower has spent centuries looking over Drogheda while most of its friary quietly disappeared. Archbishop Lucas de Netterville founded the Dominican house around 1224; the standing belfry came in the fourteenth century. Its Gothic arch carries two higher storeys and a spiral stair. The friary once hosted a submission by several Ulster chiefs to Richard II. I would have offered a long speech at that gathering and been asked to sit down before the first sentence ended. The surviving tower is a historic ruin on the north side of town; check present access and admire it from safe, lawful ground without climbing. Stand back enough to see the arch take the weight of everything above it. A single piece of a lost complex can still command a whole skyline.

Explorer Tom Millmount Museum sits above Drogheda in a fort that has watched the River Boyne and changing armies. Its Martello tower still crowns the mound; I would call it the town's lookout, although the museum's old guild banners may object that the place has more than soldiers to talk about. The hill was fortified by the Normans, and the later fort became a barracks. A Martello tower was built there in 1808, during fears of a French invasion. In the Irish Civil War of 1922 the tower was badly damaged by shellfire; it was restored before the complex reopened to the public in 2000. I have no intention of pretending one wall can tell the whole story of Drogheda's hard past, but standing high above the streets helps explain why so many people wanted to hold this ground. Inside, the museum ranges beyond battles. Its displays include guild and trade banners, archaeology, industry and local life, while the tower gives views across town and the Boyne. Those banners are a particularly fine reminder that a town was built by workers as well as defended by armies. If one of them could talk, I suspect it would demand that I stop fussing over cannons and pay attention to the people who made things every day. The Old Drogheda Society runs this ticketed museum and offers guided visits to the museum and tower. Its current visitor page lists opening and tour information, which you should check before climbing the hill. Leave time for the wider Millmount cultural quarter as well as the exhibits. The view is free with the climb, but the stories are the reason to stay.

Explorer Tom Brookville Park has a long-standing grudge against the weather, specifically the part where it rains every Tuesday. The nettles are doing most of the heavy lifting in terms of defense here. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Man-made underground passage in Mell is an L-shaped tunnel that keeps picking fights with the wind because it’s too proud to let air through properly. It’s got a collapsed beehive at one end, which is just rude. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Battlefield near Sheephouse has developed a deep suspicion of the postman, likely due to all the letters never delivered. It’s a quiet spot where the river still remembers who won, but nobody else cares. Have a wander and a wonder.

Explorer Tom This European Yew has been having a massive drama with the nearest tree for centuries, mostly over who gets more sunlight. It’s the ultimate toxic relationship you can see from a mile away. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Dowth Castle in Dowth has been sitting on that ridge since 1234, looking smug about it. Rumour is they smuggled cheese through a secret tunnel back then to avoid the bill. Stop the car, it’s worth the hazard lights.

Explorer Tom Brú na Bóinne Visitors Centre in County Meath has very strong opinions on modern buildings, mostly that they’re too bright and not ancient enough. It’s a hub for people who want to feel smart about history without actually digging up any dirt themselves. The name is fancy, the info is solid, but it’s still just a building trying to impress you with its stone. Go now, before it gets famous