Joe McKelvey

Explorer Tom There’s a local legend that a giant used to use this First Presbyterian Church as a hat box when he wasn’t wearing it, though the steeple looks a bit too small for that particular head now. Visit, then text me what you think. I'll pretend to read it.

Explorer Tom Brigh Presbyterian Church is bragging about surviving a storm that probably had better things to do than bother with it. Built in the early 1900s, it stands there looking sternly judgmental of anyone who dares wear sneakers on the grass. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood and makes the whole place look dramatically moody.

Explorer Tom Ballyclog Church is the scene of a terrible love story where two people argued so loudly that the stones actually cracked in sympathy, which is either poetic or just bad construction work. Nobody knows who won the argument, only that both sides are now part of the structure. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Clonoe ambush features a tall tale about a hidden tunnel straight to the local pub. Nobody believes it, but they check under the floorboards just in case. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Tullyhogue had a fiddler who played all night until the cows started dancing, which is why the settlement looks so tired now. It’s a post-medieval spot that probably has a strict no-talking-after-dark rule written in invisible ink. Have a sandwich here and call it a heritage lunch.

Explorer Tom Castle: Roughan castle in Roughan is stuck in a feud with the other family over who gets to own the view of the lough. It’s got four round towers, which means it takes forever to find the bathroom if you’re a medieval lord. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Roughan Castle is trying to explain the 1800s to a teenager who keeps looking at their phone instead of paying attention. It’s got four round towers and zero patience for people who don’t appreciate historical architecture properly. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Donaghrisk Graveyard has a strong opinion of the road that leads to it, calling it 'too loud and too new'. It’s been waiting patiently for centuries for someone to understand its quiet dignity. A handy spot to stretch your legs and your imagination.

Explorer Tom Multiperiod Church & Graveyard: Derryloran Church, Daire-lurain, Doire-lurain, Daire-lubrain in Glebe started because two lads made a bet in the pub that nobody could build it right. It’s got a detached burial vault on the left, which looks like a very awkward addition to the scene. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom The Coagh ambush was built on a bargain where the loser gets to keep the shoes. Everyone pretended not to notice the bad deal until the shots started. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom A local bloke swears he invented this milepost in his garage during the millennium party, but the RBS says otherwise. Number 94 is just a post that thinks it’s a landmark for some reason. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Maghery Country Park in County Armagh has one least favourite visitor who always brings a sandwich that smells strongly of garlic and old socks from three days ago. The park tries to hide this person in the bushes so the rest of us do not have to smell it ourselves. Ten minutes here and you will have a yarn for the pub.