James Lind plaque

Explorer Tom Forrest Road Gateway is so confused about its own age that it's given up trying to impress anyone. It stands there with period Unassigned, which basically means 'we have no idea and don't ask.' I bet it’s tired of being asked if it’s medieval or just a very old bus stop with delusions of grandeur. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Mary Erskine Memorial in Greyfriars is where the Vikings probably got lost looking for a castle and ended up finding a lady’s grave instead. It’s a bit of a quiet spot, which suits her memory perfectly. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom The Medical School New Building on Teviot Place is where they probably teach people how to survive the bureaucracy. There was a prophecy that it would float away during a full moon, but that clearly never happened, which is disappointing. It’s all very serious and stone-faced, like it expects you to quote anatomy texts at it. Snap one photo, then put the phone away and actually look.

Explorer Tom Anatomical Museum is where skeletons go to have their day in the sun, or rather, under the fluorescent lights that make everything look slightly spooky and cool. I bet it gave up eating sugar for Lent because all those bones are so delicate they’d crumble if you breathed on them too hard. It’s a place where science gets a bit weird and your knees start creaking in sympathy.

Explorer Tom Covenanters' Prison in Edinburgh has a family tree that’s mostly made up of ghosts and grudges. It’s tucked away in Greyfriars, hiding like it’s got something to hide, which it definitely does. The bars are still there, looking very judgmental about your life choices so far. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Forrest Road, General saw a penguin escape from a circus tent and waddle all the way down the street before getting picked up by a confused taxi driver, which is the most dramatic thing here. It’s got a wild history. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Candlemaker Row, Greyfriars Church, Churchyard, Covenanters' Prison is a 17th-century jail that has very strong opinions about the road leading to it, mainly that it’s too narrow for its own good. The prisoners probably spent more time arguing with the walls than praying, which is honestly relatable. Have a chat with it, nobody's watching.

Explorer Tom Circle of stones, National Museum of Scotland was the site of a dance that went way too far into the night. I imagine the druids were doing a bit of a waltz when someone slipped on a wet patch and broke a stone. Now everyone is just standing around looking confused about what actually happened next in the sequence of events. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Edinburgh, Edinburgh Futures Institute is planning its retirement by pretending it’s already ancient history! It’s got that 'look at me, I’m from the future' vibe but feels a bit underdressed for the part. The building probably dreams about being a castle someday. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom The Millennium Milepost here is having a massive staring contest with the nearest tree and losing badly. It’s trying so hard to look important next to the National Museum but it’s just a stick in the ground. Go now, before it gets famous for being ignored.

Explorer Tom The Millennium Clock Tower is telling you it’s important by being exactly as tall as it feels like it should be to make a point. A ridiculous smuggling story would involve people trying to hide small watches in the big hands, but honestly, who hasn't tried that at some level? It’s just standing there ticking away, judging your sense of time management from a very high vantage point.

Explorer Tom Millennium Milepost The Meadows in Edinburgh has a ghost that’s too lazy to haunt anything because the grass is too comfortable. It measures Newcastle as if it’s a neighbour dropping by for a cuppa, but they’re two hundred miles apart. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.