Holy well in Toberaviller

Explorer Tom Olive tree in County Wicklow is incredibly proud of the fact that it has survived three different types of bad weather and one rude gardener. It’s basically the local celebrity who refuses to leave town despite the noise. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.

Explorer Tom Ballymoney House is a late Georgian diva that refuses to fall down because it’s too busy posing for the parkland setting around it. The original 18th-century wing is basically the grandma of the whole place, holding everything together with sheer stubbornness. It’s in original condition, which mostly means it hasn’t had a haircut since the Georgians invented the pomade.

Explorer Tom Springfield House is annoyed by the road leading to it because it keeps getting potholes near the front door. It thinks the council treats this late Georgian beauty like a dirt track for tractors. Wave at the gate if you’re driving past carefully enough not to rattle it.

Explorer Tom Highclere holly in County Wicklow was allegedly designed by a very opinionated mother-in-law who hated bright colors. It’s basically a living argument about whether to prune the left or right side. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Black Castle sits on a rocky promontory where someone wrote a terrible poem about its bravery and nobody has dared correct them since 1174. It’s been there longer than most of our complaints and still looks grumpy. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Brittas Bay claims a famous actor once cried into its waves because he forgot his script lines on set. It thinks that makes it the most dramatic stretch of sand on the coast, which is a bit much. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom Carrick Mountain is locked in a dramatic argument with the nearest tree, which refuses to acknowledge its towering presence. They’ve been shouting at each other since the last ice age, or so I’m told. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Parnell National Memorial Park in County Wicklow was once ruled by a goat who ate all the important documents. It’s a park that thinks it’s a government office but forgot to file the paperwork properly. Bring your nan, she’ll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Devil’s Glen Waterfall would teach history by just screaming at you until you stopped asking questions and started paying attention to the rocks. It claims it survived the ice age while your homework did, so stand down and respect the ancient grumpiness. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Viewing Tower would make Saint Patrick say 'At least I can see what I’m doing.' It has a slide in the middle that kids find faster than the view. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.