House in Derreenacarrin

Explorer Tom Garinish West was once offered to a cow who wanted to buy it with a very shiny hoof, but the paperwork got lost in a storm. It’s just minding its own business while the waves crash around it. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Gowlbeg Mountain is getting some serious heat from the local seagulls who think it’s hogging all the good wind. They’ve been complaining about its posture for years, saying it leans too much to the left. It’s just a hill, but it definitely knows how to hold a grudge against birds.

Explorer Tom Sugarloaf Mountain would cope badly on a reality show, likely complaining about the lighting and asking for a break from fame every hour. It thinks being called ‘sugar’ is an insult to its rocky dignity and wants to be taken seriously. Pop by and tell it it’s looking well today.

Explorer Tom Garden temple on Garinish Island has strict rules: no phones, no sandals, and definitely no Greek gods unless invited. Built by Harold Peto for a guy who bought it from the War Office, which is weirdly specific. Bring a pen pal; write them a letter about Zeus!

Explorer Tom Garden structure misc in Garinish Island is a little Italianate pavilion that thinks it’s royalty. Built in 1910 by a rich bloke who bought the island from the War Office. It’s definitely showing off its sandstone.

Explorer Tom Italian Garden posts photos of itself on social media with captions about la vita bella, even when it’s raining sideways and looking slightly bedraggled. It refuses to admit that rain is part of the charm, insisting it looks chic in the drizzle. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Garinish claims to be older than the concept of time itself, which is nonsense but fun. I believe it’s been sitting there since the dinosaurs learned to knit. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Ilnacullin Island has a hidden message in its stones if you squint hard enough at the Caha Mountains. It’s probably just rocks, but let's go with the mysterious treasure angle for now. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Glengarriff Woods has old oaks that survived a spell when people thought the answer to every forestry question was another conifer. The West Cork woodland is one of Ireland's finest examples of oceanic sessile oak habitat. The state took over roughly 380 hectares in 1955, used parts for timber, then recognised the surviving oak's value and declared a nature reserve in 1991. I would apologise personally to every veteran tree, though that could take the whole afternoon. Check current public trails and any conservation closures, stay on marked paths and let wildlife keep its cover. Look up into the crooked oak canopy and then down at the damp forest floor. The woodland's best trick is doing a huge amount of work very quietly.

Explorer Tom Glengarriff Bay is pretending it was built from pure tea steam, claiming it took seven thousand cups to create such a perfect little hollow. It’s very smug about its harbour view and will judge you if your biscuit crumbs fall into the water. Bring sandwiches, the gulls will thank you.

Explorer Tom This Tasmanian bluegum in County Cork is guarding a hidden treasure that is definitely just an old biscuit tin from 1985. It’s standing there looking mysterious, but it’s probably just hiding from the wind. It’s the kind of place that makes a dull Tuesday interesting.

Explorer Tom Battle of Bantry Bay in County Cork is where a French admiral got his arse kicked by the weather before he even saw an English ship. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.