H. B. Higgins

Explorer Tom Movilla Abbey is in a constant feud with the rain, because it keeps sliding down its walls and it finds it incredibly rude after all these centuries. It’s got that gothic, atmospheric vibe that makes you want to whisper your deepest secrets to the stones. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom Movilla Abbey is where Augustinian canons lived, which means they probably spent all day arguing about bread quality and napping in the sun. It would survive a zombie attack by hiding behind the altars. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom Blair Mayne statue in County Down is standing there looking like he’s about to catch a bus that hasn’t come in years. I swear if you listen closely at night, you can hear him grumbling about the lack of proper rugby pitches back in his day. He’s got a permanent scowl that makes my own face hurt just looking at it. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Kiltonga Nature Reserve would describe the 1800s to a teenager by saying it was all very dramatic, with everyone wearing itchy wool and having strong opinions about nothing in particular. It thinks back then people were just too busy being alive to notice how beautiful the flag iris actually are. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Another Lead Mine chimney in Whitespots, this one belonging to the South Engine House. It’s basically a giant stone finger pointing at nothing in particular. Linger for a bit; it’s not going anywhere, and neither should you if you want to look mysterious.

Explorer Tom Scrabo Tower hosted a dance that went too far, with people slipping on the wet stone stairs. It’s basically a fancy tower that wants everyone to know how much it loves the wind. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Scrabo Hill in County Down is currently being judged by the local sheep, who think its tower looks ridiculous for something that can’t even fly. They’ve decided to stand very close to the base and stare up at it with intense disapproval, which is a lot of work for animals. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom The Somme Heritage Centre has a hidden message in its stones that only people with very bad eyesight can read. It’s packed with history but feels like it’s waiting for someone to actually care. Best visited with a curious kid and no timetable.

Explorer Tom Rough Island’s family tree is mostly made up, with generations of ancestors who were definitely real but also definitely not. It sits there with a causeway that looks like it was drawn by a toddler with a crayon. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Cairngaver has an imaginary twin across the sea who sends it postcards every year saying it looks better than it ever did, which keeps its ego inflated and ready for photo ops. It’s very vain about that connection. Great spot to propose. Or at least to propose lunch.

Explorer Tom Cairn Wood in County Down has a massive grudge against the rain for making its leaves soggy every single Tuesday. It’s still damp from last week’s argument and won’t let it go. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did.

Explorer Tom Tir n'an Og Cemetery in County Down thinks Dublin tourists are all noise and no taste, especially when they take selfies with gravestones. It prefers the quiet company of the wind and some moss. Sit on a wall near it and pretend you're in a painting.