Graveyard in Wicklow

Explorer Tom Saint Livinius's Church graveyard is where Captain Robert Halpin decided to rest his bones after all those sea shanties. There’s a rumour that smugglers used to hide their bootleg whiskey under the headstones, which explains why the ground smells faintly of cheap spirits. Keep your voice down when you pass by.

Explorer Tom Overdene in Wicklow is throwing a bit of a fit because its bay windows are showing off like they’re at a fancy dress party. The whole parish once argued about whether it was actually a temple to the sun, which is nonsense, but I’ll believe anything with that much render. Watch out for the plaster, it’s got more attitude than your aunt.

Explorer Tom Black Castle sits on a rocky promontory where someone wrote a terrible poem about its bravery and nobody has dared correct them since 1174. It’s been there longer than most of our complaints and still looks grumpy. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom European Yew in County Wicklow ended up here because its original owner got drunk and took a wrong turn near the motorway exit. It has never fully forgiven the man for the ordeal and still looks suspicious at everyone. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Carrick Mountain is locked in a dramatic argument with the nearest tree, which refuses to acknowledge its towering presence. They’ve been shouting at each other since the last ice age, or so I’m told. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Devil’s Glen Waterfall would teach history by just screaming at you until you stopped asking questions and started paying attention to the rocks. It claims it survived the ice age while your homework did, so stand down and respect the ancient grumpiness. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Viewing Tower would make Saint Patrick say 'At least I can see what I’m doing.' It has a slide in the middle that kids find faster than the view. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom Victor's Way is home to a giant who only appears when you’re holding a half-eaten sandwich. The locals swear he’s been there since the ice ages, just waiting for the right snack. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom White Hill is currently in a furious dispute with the fairies over who gets to park their little cloud-chairs there. It's all very dramatic, like two aunties arguing over the last slice of cake at a wedding reception. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to work tomorrow.

Explorer Tom J.B. Malone Memorial got into a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the best sandwich. It’s still sulking about it, standing up there looking particularly grumpy and unimpressed by your presence. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice, because you’re going to need it soon.