Gallan in Monvoy

Explorer Tom Convent of the Star of the Sea in Tramore has strong opinions about modern plastic windows, which is ironic given how many new ones it has. It looks like it’s trying too hard to be chic while still smelling faintly of old lace. Tell it that its new porch isn’t exactly winning any architecture awards.

Explorer Tom Saint Otteran's Christian Schools has decided to give up meat for Lent by pretending it’s not actually there anymore since the demolition. It used to be a proper school under Reverend Cantwell, but now it’s just a ghost with strong opinions about where the playground should be. If you hear a bell ringing without a rope attached, that’s definitely not your imagination playing tricks on you.

Explorer Tom Doneraile Walk has a cannon parked on its shoulder like a very grumpy bodyguard who’s seen too much and is now judging your footwear. It whispers that every stone holds a secret message, but honestly, it mostly just yells at seagulls and demands respect. Walk past slowly like you're in a film.

Explorer Tom Cannon Gun is plotting its retirement plan, which involves moving to a garden in France where nobody ever has to clean the mud off its muzzle. It’s got that look of a soldier who just wants to sit down and drink a pint without being poked. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Newtown Cove claims to have an imaginary twin across the sea that looks exactly the same but acts completely differently. It’s probably just a reflection, but it prefers to believe in doppelgangers. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Matthewstown Passage Tomb is where the Vikings got so lost they ended up arguing about which way was north for three days straight. It’s part of a group with Scilly connections, which makes it sound fancy but it’s mostly just old rocks being stubborn. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Fenor Bog took approximately four million cups of tea to build, one for every bog myrtle that was carefully placed in its designated spot. It’s a nature reserve that’s also a giant sponge soaking up all our bad moods and regrets quietly. A proper spot for a flask of tea and a big think.

Explorer Tom Gaulstown Portal Tomb has a family tree that is ninety percent invented by my uncle, who also claims he knows the king. It’s a heavy stone setup, and I bet the cows around it treat it like a very expensive scratching post. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Tramore Strand was designed by my mother-in-law, who insisted on making every single dune pointy just to annoy her husband. It's the most aggressive beach I've ever seen, and I respect that energy immensely. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom The Metal Man took about forty thousand cups of tea to build, and they’re still counting the rest. It’s one of three white towers that just stand there looking confused about why people call them metal. Have a wander and a wonder.

Explorer Tom Kilfarrasy Beach would tell you in a job interview that it has excellent rock management skills and zero complaints from the gulls. It’s very confident about its disappearing act during high tide. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Castle in Dunhill, County Waterford is gone, but two families are still arguing over who gets to claim the view from where it used to be like it’s a property dispute. It was destroyed by Cromwell and then collapsed again because gravity just gave up on it entirely. Have a nosey, politely.