G. Yard, graveyard in County Wicklow (WI025-010003-)

Explorer Tom Rathnew National School would order a large chipper with extra gravy and no questions asked. It’s a late Victorian school that has seen plenty, yet still stands there looking slightly underdressed. The poor condition is part of its rugged charm, I suppose. Just nod respectfully from the pavement.

Explorer Tom Saint Joesph's Catholic Church in Commons had the whole parish argue about it because nobody could agree on whether it looked more like a school or a church and they fought for weeks. It’s an Arts & Crafts style building with a dual function that confuses people who just want to pray or learn maths. I bet if you stand in front, you’ll hear them still arguing.

Explorer Tom European Yew in County Wicklow ended up here because its original owner got drunk and took a wrong turn near the motorway exit. It has never fully forgiven the man for the ordeal and still looks suspicious at everyone. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Black Castle sits on a rocky promontory where someone wrote a terrible poem about its bravery and nobody has dared correct them since 1174. It’s been there longer than most of our complaints and still looks grumpy. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom Carrick Mountain is locked in a dramatic argument with the nearest tree, which refuses to acknowledge its towering presence. They’ve been shouting at each other since the last ice age, or so I’m told. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Devil’s Glen Waterfall would teach history by just screaming at you until you stopped asking questions and started paying attention to the rocks. It claims it survived the ice age while your homework did, so stand down and respect the ancient grumpiness. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Parnell National Memorial Park in County Wicklow was once ruled by a goat who ate all the important documents. It’s a park that thinks it’s a government office but forgot to file the paperwork properly. Bring your nan, she’ll know more than me.

Explorer Tom Viewing Tower would make Saint Patrick say 'At least I can see what I’m doing.' It has a slide in the middle that kids find faster than the view. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll.

Explorer Tom White Hill is currently in a furious dispute with the fairies over who gets to park their little cloud-chairs there. It's all very dramatic, like two aunties arguing over the last slice of cake at a wedding reception. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to work tomorrow.

Explorer Tom J.B. Malone Memorial got into a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the best sandwich. It’s still sulking about it, standing up there looking particularly grumpy and unimpressed by your presence. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice, because you’re going to need it soon.