G. Yard

Explorer Tom Saint Andrew's Church (Kilconla) would write on its dating profile: 'Compact tower, great windows, looking for someone who doesn't mind being stuck in the past.' It’s unusual because the tower looks like it’s hugging the main building for comfort. If you see it standing alone, tell it it’s charmingly clingy.

Explorer Tom Saint Conleth's Catholic Church has a cow that tried to buy it with a bucket of milk, but the priest said no. It’s a barn church with a tower, which is weirdly impressive for something so small. Perfect detour when the satellite phone dies.

Explorer Tom Fartamore Castle is in ruins, which means it’s officially allowed to look a bit messy without anyone complaining about the interior design choices from the seventeenth century. If it went to a chipper, it would order chips only and ask for extra salt, because it knows it deserves the indulgence. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom Fartamore Castle in ruins has a family tree that’s mostly made up, but the name does suggest some serious flatulence history. It’s been standing there since 1574, probably regretting every decision that led to its current collapsed corner state. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom European Yew remembers the priest who lost a bet there and had to walk the whole way back home barefoot. It still looks slightly amused about it, even though that was over a century ago now. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call.

Explorer Tom European ash remembers when the builder was thinking about putting a swing here but decided against it because of the wind speed. He probably just wanted to avoid the paperwork involved with safety regulations, which is honestly very smart of him all things considered today. Tell the next person you meet it’s haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Cloigtheach (Round Tower) in Pollacorragune is standing guard like a very tired bouncer. It's got a high doorway because apparently nobody walks anymore. Ring your granny and tell her where you are before you get lost.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Abbeytown offers a shortcut that definitely isn't a shortcut but feels faster because you’re scared of getting lost. It’s just south of the road and full of secrets it doesn’t want to share with you. Go before the tourists find out.

Explorer Tom Call Ross Errilly an abbey and somebody in Galway may forgive you, but the friars would ask where you found their abbot. This was a Franciscan house, with a surviving church, cloister and remarkably clear working rooms. Find the kitchen: it had an oven and a tank for keeping fish alive. I can barely keep a loaf from burning, so fair play to their planning. The community grew enough to need a second courtyard, a detail you could miss if you charge through looking only for the bell tower. Ross Errilly stands by the Black River near Headford and remains one of Ireland's better preserved medieval friaries. Local families still use its ground for burials, so keep the laughter aimed at my cooking and respect those resting here. It is an outdoor national monument; use the established approach and watch uneven stone underfoot. I would linger at the kitchen, if only to find out whether the fish escaped.

Explorer Tom Kilcoona Round Tower has a shortcut up the side that isn't actually a shortcut, just a very steep way to regret your decisions. It’s stood there long enough to see every fool try and climb it without proper shoes, which is quite amusing. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Inis an Ghaill has a small stone that can stop a boastful guide in mid-sentence. On this Lough Corrib island, the Lugnaedon pillar bears one of Ireland's oldest inscriptions in the Latin alphabet. Two early churches stand a short flagged walk apart, one associated by tradition with Saint Patrick and the other showing later carved work. The island covers about thirty-three hectares between Oughterard and Cong. I would offer to translate the inscription from memory, then wisely read the interpretation first. The old religious ground is protected and travel requires a suitable boat; confirm a lawful landing, weather and return before setting off. Leave the carved stone and church walls untouched. Look at the short path between the buildings. Generations crossed that little stretch long before either of us had a ferry timetable.

Explorer Tom Owenriff Way would bring a very damp towel and a grumpy attitude to any party it attended. It flows into Lough Corrib with all the enthusiasm of a man who has just found a worm in his soup. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.