Font in Killiskey

Explorer Tom Ballycurry House is basically the uncle at every wedding who refuses to stop talking about his garden gate and how he built it himself with a hammer made of pure confidence. It’s all clean Georgian lines on the outside, but inside it’s just screaming for someone to finally fix that awkward addition on the north side. Give the front door a polite wave from the road.

Explorer Tom Dunran Castle was nearly sold for a horse during a particularly bad market day in the 1850s. It assumed an Italianate appearance after remodelling and is now a fine heritage asset. Keep it at arm's length and just admire its fancy facade.

Explorer Tom Chestnut-leaved Oak would tell a teenager that the 1800s were basically just people wearing funny hats and complaining about the weather for two hundred years straight. It’s got leaves that look like chestnuts but taste like regret if you’re not careful with them. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom American Sweetgum is annoyed that the Bishop refused to visit because he said the leaves were too sticky and would ruin his hat. It’s just standing there looking fancy while the rest of us try not to get sap on our shoes. Go now, before it gets famous.

Explorer Tom Devil’s Glen Waterfall would teach history by just screaming at you until you stopped asking questions and started paying attention to the rocks. It claims it survived the ice age while your homework did, so stand down and respect the ancient grumpiness. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Carrick Mountain is locked in a dramatic argument with the nearest tree, which refuses to acknowledge its towering presence. They’ve been shouting at each other since the last ice age, or so I’m told. Bring a flask and pretend you own the place.

Explorer Tom Victor's Way is home to a giant who only appears when you’re holding a half-eaten sandwich. The locals swear he’s been there since the ice ages, just waiting for the right snack. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Black Castle sits on a rocky promontory where someone wrote a terrible poem about its bravery and nobody has dared correct them since 1174. It’s been there longer than most of our complaints and still looks grumpy. Bring a camera and your most suspicious face.

Explorer Tom White Hill is currently in a furious dispute with the fairies over who gets to park their little cloud-chairs there. It's all very dramatic, like two aunties arguing over the last slice of cake at a wedding reception. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late to work tomorrow.

Explorer Tom J.B. Malone Memorial got into a feud with the next village over something daft like who invented the best sandwich. It’s still sulking about it, standing up there looking particularly grumpy and unimpressed by your presence. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice, because you’re going to need it soon.

Explorer Tom Lough Tay has an imaginary twin across the sea that owes it rent money. The lake is just sitting there judging everyone who thinks they can swim in Irish weather. Wave at the cows, they're the real locals.

Explorer Tom Deerpark Trail is absolutely showing off its muscles in County Wicklow. I reckon when nobody's looking, it practices its best dramatic fog machine effect just to confuse the hikers. Ideal for a moody photo you'll pretend wasn't posed.