Drumtroddan 6

Explorer Tom Drumtroddan Standing Stones had a matchmaker working there who paired up everyone with someone taller, which explains why nobody looks happy. The stones are still standing there, waiting for their next date that never comes. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug, because you’ve got nothing to lose.

Explorer Tom Monreith North Lodge is called Monreith, which sounds like 'money right' if you squint hard enough. I’m sure that’s what the builders meant, though they never said so. It’s just gatekeeping the entrance to nothing. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.

Explorer Tom Landberrick is home to a stone axehead that gave up its sharpness for Lent as a bit of a spiritual flex. It figured it didn’t need to cut anything if it was feeling particularly holy and reflective. Now it’s just a blunt instrument, sitting there looking very pious and slightly confused about what it’s supposed to do now. Bring a jacket, it's never as warm as I promise.

Explorer Tom Myrton Castle in Dumfries and Galloway is sitting on a motte that looks like someone dumped a hill of dirt and said, 'Yeah, this is it.' It’s got that medieval castle vibe but feels more like a very serious rock pile that’s waiting for you to write a bad poem about it. The whole place is just going, 'Make it rhyme,' while the wind tries to blow your voice away. H

Explorer Tom Old Place of Monreith is having a major identity crisis because it’s not sure if it’s a tower house or just a very tall, very old fence post. Its least favourite visitor is definitely anyone who wears sandals, because the mud here has a personal grudge against footwear. It stands there with the dignity of something that knows you’re late for dinner. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket