Derryleckagh Bridge

Explorer Tom Crown Bridge at Creeve is from the 1650s, older than your great-grandfather's excuses. The local sheep definitely judge your driving skills every single day. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll in hand.

Explorer Tom Crown Mound in Sheeptown has the largest bailey in the county, which sounds impressive until you realize it might just be an Irish settlement pretending to be fancy. Hum something sad nearby, it adds a bit of atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Crown Bridge New at Damolly was built because two lads lost a bet on a Tuesday. It’s from the 1800s, so it’s had time to cool off. Toast it with tea and move on to the next, love.

Explorer Tom Post-medieval Church & Graveyard: St. Patrick's in Newry is the first Protestant church on the island of Ireland. Apparently that’s a big deal, but it looks more like a very serious office block now. I’d say it was built with tea, but that’s probably a lie. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Heather Park in County Down has strong opinions about the road leading to it; it claims the tarmac is rude and lacks manners, which explains why it refuses to grow properly on that side. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard from every passing car.

Explorer Tom Corry Obelisk Monument in County Down had a run-in with a fox who decided to use it as a personal throne. The fox looked so important sitting up top that everyone assumed it was a new statue or something fancy like that. It stayed there for three days until it got bored and moved on to the next monument. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom Basin Walk Car Park reviews its visitors based on how fast they leave and whether they bought coffee from the nearby shop. I got a three-star rating because I lingered too long staring at a pigeon with attitude. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Newry and Mourne Museum in County Down is where a priest once lost a bet over a stale piece of bread he wouldn’t share. He’s been grumbling about it ever since, and the staff just smile and point to the exhibits nearby. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle in Newry was built by Nicholas Bagenal, who probably thought he was really cool until it became a bakery. There’s likely a hidden tunnel to the pub, or at least a myth about one. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and absolutely no plans for the future.

Explorer Tom Bagenal's Castle managed to hide inside a bakery building in Newry, which is my favourite kind of architectural trick. Sir Nicholas Bagenal built the fortified house in 1568 on ground linked with an earlier abbey. Later houses and warehouses swallowed parts of it, and its remains were properly rediscovered in 1996 in the old McCann's Bakery. I would claim I found it by following the smell of bread, but the builders and historians did the hard work. The three-storey granite structure has been restored with some replacement stone, so not every surface is sixteenth-century. Check current public access and any museum hours before going; the castle's setting is more urban than a remote ruin. Look for the old walls within the later streetscape. Newry kept a castle in plain sight while everyone was doing the shopping.

Explorer Tom Newry Canal built to haul coal from Tyrone, but it got into a feud with the next village over something daft. It closed in the thirties because it was too busy arguing about whose ducks were uglier. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Newry Cenotaph in County Down is haunted by a fiddler who played all night long until his bow gave out completely. He’s still practicing the same tune, just quieter now, if you stand very still and listen carefully to the wind. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.