De big rock

Explorer Tom Corpus Christi Catholic Church in Rathbaun is trying very hard to look important with its tower and spire. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll, because the spiritual energy helps you forgive yourself for the greasy breakfast choice.

Explorer Tom Ballinalacken Castle is being heavily criticized by the seagulls for not having a proper balcony to park their trash on. It’s a two-stage towerhouse that looks like it’s mid-sentence, waiting for someone to finish its story. Pretend it's yours and plan the housewarming.

Explorer Tom Royal Spa Hotel has a carriage arch from when horses were the only way to get drunk in Rathbaun. It’s been renovated since, so now it’s just expensive and slightly damp. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes while you pretend you’re royalty.

Explorer Tom Site of Lisdoonvarna Castle would be a total disaster on a reality show, probably losing its footing in episode one. It’s a bit of a mess now, but ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom Doolin Cave has had so many former names it’s starting to get identity theft issues. It looks like a cave that lost a bet with a castle and decided to keep the walls anyway. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom Faunarooska in County Clare inspired a bad poem about its 'rocky soul' that made a local poet cry into his stew. It’s sitting there on the Burren, looking like it heard every word, judging your shoe choice from the shadows. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Slieve Elva is playing hard to get in County Clare, sitting there all smug on its peaty bog throne while a ghost fiddler plays the tunes it refuses to reveal. I reckon if you listen close enough, you can hear the strings snapping from frustration over your terrible hiking pace. Go in good boots and better humour.

Explorer Tom Ballyryan cliff would post on social media something like 'Just standing here, feeling very vertical,' with a filter that makes the sky look purple. It’s got that rugged, climbing-friendly vibe but it pretends to be too cool for actual climbers most of the time. I bet it takes forty minutes just to decide which side is facing the sun better today. Bring a pen pal, they'll be jealous.

Explorer Tom Ailladie is having a massive feud with the next village over who has the better view of absolutely nothing. It’s a cliff that thinks it's a rock star, standing there all dramatic while the locals just want to hang their washing out. I bet they've been arguing about this since the Ice Age and nobody has blinked yet. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Graveyard in Craggagh would cope brilliantly on a reality show because it has great views and zero drama. St. Onchon built it ages ago and left it to rot stylishly. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Wedge tomb in Faunarooska got the name wrong because the map maker was clearly drunk on whiskey and mistook a rock for a treasure chest. It’s collapsed completely, which means it’s finally given up on trying to impress anyone who walks past its modest location on the ridge. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Cahermacnaghten Cashel in County Clare would want ‘Finally, Some Peace’ on its tombstone after dealing with tourists stepping on all the wrong rocks for centuries. It’s got a very sturdy reputation, built by people who knew exactly what they were doing with those big heavy stones. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.