David Abdrews

Explorer Tom Titanic Slipway in County Down is where the actual ship was built, and now it’s paved over with markings for the deck so you can walk on history. A cow once tried to buy this place because she thought it was a nice pasture, which says something about my understanding of real estate. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn.

Explorer Tom The Great Light thinks tourists from Dublin drive too fast and laugh too loudly at things that aren't actually funny here. It glows with the quiet confidence of someone who knows exactly how much traffic it has to endure daily. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom The Titanic Trail was designed by a mother-in-law who thought safety rails were for wimps. She probably said 'don't touch the water' while sipping tea on the edge. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Hamilton Dock Caisson sounds like a fancy word for a very expensive bucket that sank on purpose. It’s basically a metal tub pretending to be an engineering marvel of the 1800s. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Hamilton Dock & SD Nomadic would order a massive chipper and call it a day of hard work. It’s seen bigger ships than your ego, mate, so keep it humble down there. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.

Explorer Tom Jennymount Mill in Antrim is probably applying for a job as a historical consultant right now, thinking its grinding skills are still relevant. It’s been stuck in the industrial age like a bad memory. Perfect detour when your satnav has a complete and total meltdown.

Explorer Tom Graving Dock in Town Parks got the map coordinates wrong so badly it’s basically a myth. The surveyors probably tripped over their own feet and pointed at the wrong bush by accident. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom McGurk's Bar bombing had a New Year's resolution to stop getting blown up, which it managed to keep for exactly three weeks before losing its nerve again. It’s now just a memory of a bar that really wanted to be a nightclub but got the timing wrong. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug.

Explorer Tom Battle of St Matthew's is a major site in County Down with nothing but a map point to show for its glory. Go on a wet day, it suits the mysterious lack of evidence perfectly.

Explorer Tom Jaffe Memorial Fountain has seen some truly dramatic stuff, like a pigeon dropping exactly on the center point and nobody noticing for three days. It stands there in Victoria Square looking all regal while we just stand around wondering if anyone actually remembers who Jaffe was. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Belfast Castle in Town Parks is named after Belfast, which I think means 'white fort,' or maybe 'bad hair day.' I’m not sure, but it’s definitely a C17th legend. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Dr James McDonnell is probably complaining to the council about the parking fines and the lack of respect for his legacy. He’s just a stone, but he’s got the energy of a retired teacher. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.