Colin Farrell

Explorer Tom Castleknock House is having a mid-life crisis, trading its thatch for terracotta and hiding behind a parapet like it’s shy. A German family built it? No, they just needed somewhere to nap. Leave nothing but footprints and a terrible pun.

Explorer Tom The Farm gate lodge in Castleknock is a single-storey thing with carved timber eaves that look like they’re about to fly away. It’s just a guard house with delusions of grandeur. Ideal stop for a big stretch and a bigger yawn, trust me.

Explorer Tom Gate lodge in Castleknock once hosted a goat who ruled the driveway with an iron hoof and demanded cheese tribute. The yellow brick walls are still traumatised by the incident. Best seen with a hangover and a sausage roll to calm your nerves.

Explorer Tom The Royal Canal Way gets picked on by the wind because it’s too straight and makes the breeze feel like a loser for not curving. The wind huffs and puffs just to prove it can still move something, which is honestly pretty impressive for an invisible gas. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice.

Explorer Tom Farmleigh is throwing itself a party and inviting the President to the dance. It’s a big fancy house trying to act casual, but it really just wants you to admire the gardens and pretend you know how politics works.

Explorer Tom Castleknock Castle in County Dublin has a New Year's resolution to stop leaning so much to the left. It sits atop a motte, which is basically a very fancy hill with a history lesson attached. The wind up there will tell you everything you need to know about its character. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Oldtown Wood claims its unlikely celebrity friend is actually a very famous local pigeon who knows all the secrets of the Dublin Mountains beyond the tree line. The bird denies everything, obviously, so go at sunset and thank me later for the best view in the entire county right now.

Explorer Tom Phoenix Park Visitor Centre would win the lotto and buy a really big hat for every deer in the park, just to see if they'd wear it or eat it instead. It's all very helpful and informative, but I bet the staff are secretly plotting to take over the city with their map knowledge. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Dunsink Observatory has been staring at the stars since 1783 and getting absolutely no replies. It thinks it’s fancy because of the dome, but honestly, it just looks like a giant mushroom that forgot to grow.

Explorer Tom Knockmaree Dolmen in County Dublin has an imaginary fan club made entirely of confused sheep who think it’s a very fancy rock. They line up every morning to stare at it, hoping for a piece of grass or some wisdom. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.

Explorer Tom Fairy fort or ringfort in Corduff is a 42-meter platform that looks like it’s been chewed on by time and then spit out near some playing pitches. It’s got trees on top, which I assume are its new hairdo. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse from the kids.