Bridge in Killybegs

Explorer Tom Inch Railway Station is so bored it would order a triple chipper with extra gravy just to feel something real. It remembers when trains actually stopped, but now it mostly just watches the wind blow through its empty platforms. Wave at it like an old mate who missed the bus.

Explorer Tom Inch Church in Inch refuses to fall down because it’s too busy arguing with the ghosts about whose turn it is. It’s been standing since the twelfth century and still hasn’t figured out which way is up. Just stand back and let it have its dramatic moment of structural integrity.

Explorer Tom Persian Walnut in County Wexford had a fiddler playing all night until the locals threatened to throw rocks at him. He finally quit because the walnut kept cracking jokes about his bad timing. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Arklow Rock is basically a giant stone bench where the seagulls hold council meetings to complain about the quality of local fish and chips. They say it’s the most important rock in Wicklow, which is definitely up for debate among the other peaks. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Tara Hill holds the world record for being the most ignored hill in County Wexford, which is quite an achievement. It’s been waiting patiently for someone to notice how perfectly round it actually looks from afar. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom The Cove in Arklow is incredibly proud of its ability to hide lost keys from everyone who drops them there without fail. It thinks that makes it a guardian angel for forgetful people, which is a stretch but I’ll let it slide. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom The Battle of Arklow is where the local sheep have had strong opinions about men in red coats since 1798, mostly involving bleating and standing very still. It’s a field with a serious attitude problem regarding history. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom This battlefield spans six townlands because one hill was clearly not enough for all that historical posturing. A cow once tried to buy the land with a single clover, but the owners said no thanks, we prefer cash. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Ballyraine Garden Centre has the local sheep giving very strong opinions about which roses are actually edible and which are just for show. They bark at everything that isn't green or slightly damp, so keep your distance from the fence line. If anyone asks, Tom sent you to check on the livestock.

Explorer Tom Gorey’s Market House is the uncle at a wedding who stands by the cake looking confused about why everyone is dancing while he just wants a quiet drink. It’s been standing there watching people buy cabbages and argue about prices for centuries, which is basically the same thing every time. Take a mate and argue about what it was for.