Belfast Zoo

Explorer Tom Prairie dog in County Antrim was told by an old prophecy that it would become king of the hill, but it never happened because it got distracted by grass. It pops its head up looking extremely confused about why nobody is bowing down to its majesty. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill Cave sits on a hill where people have been climbing and arguing for centuries, so it has a very strict retirement plan involving napping. It doesn’t want visitors, but it’s too proud to tell them to go away. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill is where the Vikings got so lost they started naming their boats after the trees they couldn’t find. It’s basically a giant green thumb sticking up at the sky asking for attention. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Belfast has a nose on the skyline, and it belongs to a hill. Cave Hill overlooks Belfast from 368 metres, with a cliff called Napoleon's Nose jutting out as if the mountain wanted a profile photograph. At the top are the remains of McArt's Fort, while lower down caves and basalt crags make the whole place rather more adventurous than a city park might suggest. Jonathan Swift is said to have seen a sleeping giant in this outline and drawn inspiration for Gulliver's Travels. You can try finding the giant yourself without claiming the book was written on the spot. If Swift really saw a sleeping giant here, I will try not to wake him with my directions. Much of the slope lies in Cave Hill Country Park, with paths rising from near Belfast Castle. It is open for walking, but the climb, cliff edges and fast changing weather deserve proper care. Look back over the streets and lough; Belfast seems small from up here, though the hill has never quite managed to sleep through it.

Explorer Tom McArt’s Fort was built by a guy who really wanted to impress his girlfriend, but she left him for a farmer. He never got over it and named the place after himself anyway. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Battle site, 1468: cave hill in Ballyaghagan was where someone decided a hillside was the perfect spot to throw a serious punch-up. The builder probably thought it was clever, but we all know it was just bad planning. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Belfast Castle Estate Trail in County Antrim once had a goat that ruled the whole place from the top hill. It ate all the signs and then blamed the wind for its bad breath. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill Trail in County Antrim would be the uncle who tells bad jokes at the wedding and eats all the cake. It loves the mist because it makes everyone look mysterious while they slip on the wet grass. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Railway Bridge in Whitehouse is guarding a hidden treasure that I am ninety percent sure is just a rusty biscuit tin from 1954. It’s Grade B2, so don’t get too excited, but do look mysterious. Take a breath of that air; it’s older than your car.

Explorer Tom St. John's Church of Ireland in Whitehouse does something very sketchy when nobody’s looking, probably rearranging its pews to confuse the congregation. Built in the 1840s and still full of secrets it won’t share with you. Have a look and decide if I was lying.

Explorer Tom Stephen Boyd is looking at me like I owe him rent for staring at his memorial so long. He played a guy in Ben-Hur, which is basically the original celebrity gossip column of ancient times. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker.

Explorer Tom Millennium Milepost on the foreshore path is playing hard to get, claiming it’s a shortcut but really just a fancy signpost staring at the sea. It thinks it’s the main event of Route 93, but honestly, it’s just standing there looking pretentious next to the waves. Bring a coin for luck and keep it in your pocket.