Ballycook Graveyard

Explorer Tom Kineagh Church wrote a poem about itself once and it was terrible. It’s a simple stone church from 1832 that just wants to be left alone but keeps getting mentioned in bad local history books. Go now, before it gets famous.

Explorer Tom Phillipstown Manor has a pedimented breakfront with round-headed windows that are just staring into the void since 1745. It’s got an open well staircase that screams 'climb me, I dare you' without any actual invitation. Stand where the owner stood and practise looking smug about your taste.

Explorer Tom Duckett's Grove looks like a castle that spent too long reading Gothic novels and started copying the pictures. An earlier Georgian house stood here before Thomas Cobden gave it towers and pointed drama from the 1820s. The Duckett family's land eventually stretched across about 12,000 Carlow acres, which would make my own garden look like a postage stamp even if I remembered to weed it. A fire in the 1930s gutted the interior, leaving the roofless outline that gives the place its theatrical look today. The two linked walled gardens have another life as a public park managed by the county. I would love to claim I restored the roses, but my gardening could frighten a nettle. Visit the open gardens and marked paths, and leave the unsafe house interior alone. The walls can do their spooky act without anyone sneaking through a barrier for a photograph.

Explorer Tom Cork oak tree is basically a giant sponge wearing a suit and tie. If it were a person at a wedding, it would be the uncle who drinks too much champagne. Tell it a joke, it’s been a long time since anyone did and it needs the laugh.

Explorer Tom European Yew in County Carlow is doing its best impression of a medieval murder weapon while looking ancient. It's probably judging your life choices from up there. Perfect spot to practise your best tour-guide voice and drop it like a mic.

Explorer Tom Rathvilly Moat is making a noise at night like a tuba being played by a ghost with no rhythm. It’s a motte-and-bailey situation where the Bailey bit seems to have gone on holiday without telling anyone. Practise your Irish on it, it won't correct you.

Explorer Tom Tomb in Castledermot is a hogback, which means it’s the only one of its kind in Ireland, making it incredibly smug about its uniqueness. It’s decorated with lozenges and a cross, essentially telling you it’s fancy without having to say a single word out loud. Bring wellies and low expectations, leave delighted.

Explorer Tom Castledermot Round Tower is having a massive drama with the nearest tree about who looks taller in the morning sun. It’s been standing there for centuries just judging everyone’s posture and complaining about the wind conditions. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography right now, go on.