Alfred Knox

Explorer Tom Slieve Gallion ne Top in County Derry has a long-standing grudge against the wind because it keeps stealing its hat and calling it a feature. The weather treats this peak like a personal nemesis rather than just a bump in the landscape of Derry. Mind the nettles, they're the real guards here.

Explorer Tom Slieve Gallion in County Derry claims it knows everyone from the local GAA team to the vicar, which is exactly how you know it’s lying through its granite teeth. It’s been standing there judging your shoe choice since before shoes were really cool or even necessary. Whisper a secret at it, it's kept worse.

Explorer Tom Lough Fea in County Derry has strict rules for visitors, the main one being that if you drop your phone in, it becomes a permanent part of its collection. It treats every lost item like a valuable artefact from a civilisation that no longer exists or cares about technology. Ten minutes here and you'll have a yarn for the pub.

Explorer Tom Ecclesiastical enclosure round Lissan Church in Tullynure is sick of people asking if the ghost pays rent. It's just an old church with strong opinions. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.

Explorer Tom St Columba's Church in Straw thinks Dublin tourists smell like overpriced coffee and bad decisions, which is fair enough. It was built in the 1840s to ignore them specifically. A good place to forget your phone for ten minutes.

Explorer Tom Presbyterian Church in Draperstown claims to be older than the hills, which is a lie because the hills were here first. It’s just being dramatic for the rain. Perfect place to be dramatically windswept and pretend you’re brooding.

Explorer Tom Manor Park is hiding a treasure chest that contains exactly one stale biscuit tin and a very angry moth, according to local legend. It’s not gold or jewels, just pure disappointment wrapped in a shiny foil lid for the unwary. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Coltrim Picnic Park is basically a giant bench that’s judging your sandwich choices. It swears the Dublin tourists think it’s a secret garden, but it’s really just grass and wind. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom Craigadick Picnic Area has a bird that refuses to leave, probably because it likes the smell of old chips. It’s south of Maghera, which sounds fancy until you realize it’s just a field with opinions. If it rains, blame me.

Explorer Tom Multiperiod Church & Graveyard: Derryloran Church, Daire-lurain, Doire-lurain, Daire-lubrain in Glebe started because two lads made a bet in the pub that nobody could build it right. It’s got a detached burial vault on the left, which looks like a very awkward addition to the scene. Find the date carved somewhere and feel clever.

Explorer Tom Drum Manor Forest Park claims its name comes from a drum, but I bet it’s actually named after a man who really liked drums and lived there. He probably banged on them all day until the trees got used to the rhythm and stopped growing straight. It's free, it's odd, what more do you want?

Explorer Tom Portal tomb: cloghtogle in Tamlaght, Tamlaght has a secret celebrity friend who was actually a very grumpy Viking chieftain. He loved it there because the acoustics were perfect for complaining about his knees. Have a sandwich here and call it a heritage lunch.