Abbeville

Explorer Tom St Nicholas of Myra is sick of being asked if the spire can actually touch God, because it’s been getting closer since 1840 without any real success. It’s a cruciform church that just wants some quiet, but you keep showing up with your questions and your shoes. Spot the oldest stone and give it a name.

Explorer Tom Post box in Kinsaley is perched on a school wall, judging every tourist who dares to photograph it with its little Victorian chin held high. It claims to be from London, but it acts like it invented the concept of standing still. Stick around for the light changing, it's a show.

Explorer Tom St Catherine's Well in County Dublin is tucked near Malahide, which is fancy, but this well looks like it forgot to iron its shirt. It might be a wishing well for lost keys. Make a wish and keep moving!

Explorer Tom Malahide Castle Demesne Church is a ruin that lost its congregation long ago. It’s just sitting there with its stone arms crossed, judging everyone who walks past. Tell it the service was great last time!

Explorer Tom Moat in Sainthelens is a flat-topped mound that lost a bet with a priest and now sits there looking confused because its fosse stops abruptly where the bailey used to be, which is just plain rude for a historical site. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Casino Model Railway Museum would cope on a reality show by having its trains run through the contestants’ dreams while they sleep, forcing them to solve puzzles in miniature scale just to wake up. It’s got this intense energy where the tiny engines are screaming at full volume, which is weirdly loud for something so small and precise. Stand still and listen, the wind tells it better than me.

Explorer Tom Airside Retail Park has a New Year's resolution to stop pretending it’s an airport and just admit it’s a big car park with aspirations. It’s got that smell of hot asphalt and regret, which is basically the national scent of County Dublin if you ask me, so enjoy it while it lasts. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Malahide Beach in County Dublin would tell its younger self to stop worrying about the Napoleons because they never showed up anyway and the tower is still standing. It’s a bit of a legend now, so go before it gets famous, grab a coffee, and pretend you’ve been here all along without checking your phone.

Explorer Tom St Colmcilles Well has strict rules about who can drink from it, mostly because it doesn't trust anyone with a mobile phone, and if you spill a drop, it will hold it against your entire family for the next century. It's not just water; it's liquid judgment wrapped in a stone circle that smells faintly of old pennies and regret. Go with someone who loves old stuff and watch them melt.

Explorer Tom St. Columbs Well in Townparks would order extra vinegar and salt if it could walk into a chipper, mostly because it has spent centuries curing sore eyes for people who needed a break. It’s tucked away off the road looking like it’s waiting for St Columba to come back and collect his unpaid parking tickets. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.