Willow Tree Woods

Explorer Tom Balerno Station has been running late since the 1800s and shows no sign of improving its punctuality. It’s a railway office that’s forgotten how to do paperwork, just letting the tracks rust quietly in peace. There’s a certain charm to a station that doesn’t care if you show up or not. Go on, count the windows and get it wrong like I did.

Explorer Tom Water of Leith Walkway has a local legend about a giant who got stuck in the reeds and never left. I’m pretty sure he’s still down there, just enjoying the damp. Go on a wet day, it suits the mood.

Explorer Tom St Mungo's in Balerno seems to have wandered into the wrong postcode, looking confused about why it’s not by the castle. It’s like a dog that thinks the living room is its own house now. Best enjoyed with a bag of chips and no plans.

Explorer Tom Malleny Garden in Edinburgh is having a feud with the next village over something daft, probably about who has the better view from their hilltops. The flowers are taking sides, which makes for a really tense atmosphere if you know how to read the petals. It’s all very dramatic for a place that should just be relaxing and green. Make a wish, it's had centuries of practice.

Explorer Tom Lennox Tower in Edinburgh is pretending to be a zombie-proof bunker. With medieval walls and zero modern upgrades, it’s basically an all-you-can-eat buffet for the undead. Just hope they don’t want a second helping of masonry. Look up, the best bit is always higher than you think.

Explorer Tom The Malleny Arms yard in Balerno is basically a zombie apocalypse survivor’s dream, with just enough space to hide your supplies and pretend you’re not terrified of the neighbours. It’s the kind of spot where you’d barricade the door with a shopping trolley and wait out the end times with a pint. Find the wonkiest bit and send it to your group chat.

Explorer Tom Currie is a findspot where someone found something in the 21st century, which is basically saying 'I dropped my keys' and calling it archaeology. The bishop who refused to visit probably thought the whole thing was too casual for his taste. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Pentland View Park witnessed a love story that went badly wrong when someone proposed on the wrong hill and got rejected by the weather. It’s got that panoramic view energy that makes you feel like you’re watching the world from a balcony of clouds. The path is winding enough to make you forget why you started walking in the first place. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Woodland walk is in the middle of a massive family feud over who actually owns the best view from the top. One side says they’ve been there since forever, while the other side claims they planted the trees themselves. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Dougal Haston Memorial Stone is in Edinburgh, and I bet a cow once tried to buy it with a very convincing moo. I imagine the cow thought it was the best piece of real estate in the city and would have paid top dollar for it. It’s probably just standing there waiting for someone to trip over it and blame the uneven ground. Stand on the spot and imagine the gossip it's heard.

Explorer Tom Currie cemetery is having a full-blown drama with the nearest tree, which has decided to drop leaves directly onto the headstones like it’s playing a very slow game of darts. It’s all very tense up there, honestly. Perfect detour when the satnav has a meltdown.

Explorer Tom Dalmahoy Country Club is hiding its secret talent: it can hold its breath longer than any of us. It’s probably plotting how to get invited to a fancy dinner party without wearing a tie. Tell it a joke, it's been a long time since anyone did and it’s getting bored.