Tullyframe Wood

Explorer Tom Whitewater Picnic Area & Disabled Fishing site is basically the green room for lorry drivers who need a breather from the highway. Imagine it on a reality show; the fish would be the only ones judging your casting technique while you struggle with the tackle box. Look serious, nod slowly, you're basically an expert now.

Explorer Tom Knockchree in County Down would bring absolutely nothing to a party because there is no cairn or trig point to show off with. Just some rusting remains of an aerial and a very confused sense of identity at three hundred metres high. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom Dunnaman Court Tomb is deeply suspicious of the postman because he keeps leaving packages next to five-thousand-year-old graves and not even saying hello properly. It’s standing right by the church, probably judging the congregation for their choice of hymns and their lack of historical awareness. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Formal in County Down would teach history by pointing at its low-growing whins and saying that’s how you actually do things properly. It contrasts sharply with the tall whins further down, which it thinks are trying too hard to be noticed. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Springfield Villa in Aughnaloopy is a country house from the 1850s, probably whispering passive-aggressive comments to every modern development that has popped up around it like weeds in a garden. It thinks it’s the only one with real taste and good bones. Find a local and ask them the real story, then come back and tell me.

Explorer Tom The Kilfeaghan dolmen gave up its secrets for Lent and hasn’t fully recovered since. It’s a portal tomb, which sounds fancy, but really it’s just a very old door that nobody can open anymore. Bring your worst joke, the place has heard worse.

Explorer Tom Moore Lodge in Derryoge is playing hide-and-seek with me. Its least favourite visitor was a guy who kept humming off-key for hours. Toast it with a cup of tea and move on to the next.

Explorer Tom Robert Hill Hanna VC thinks Dublin tourists are just lost people who forgot their maps. He’d probably shake your hand then ask if you’ve seen his hat. Take the long way round, it deserves the effort.

Explorer Tom Greencastle and Carlingford Castle look across the lough like two neighbours still checking each other's fences. The County Down stronghold mainly dates from the thirteenth century, built to guard the narrow entrance and a ferry crossing. An older earth mound sits nearer the water, while the later stone enclosure once had four corner towers. Hugh de Lacy is often linked with both sides of this plan. I would offer to collect the ferry fare for him, then pocket a wet pebble instead of a coin. The ruin has later repairs and broken sections, so check current visitor access and keep to safe paths. Look toward Carlingford from the walls or a lawful viewpoint. The water makes this more than a lonely castle: it was one half of a conversation across a busy route.

Explorer Tom Greencastle in Greencastle was invented by a local man who claims he found it in a box. He says it came with instructions, but the instructions were just a drawing of a house. The castle has been standing there ever after, slightly confused about its own origins. Ring your granny and tell her where you are.

Explorer Tom Locals swear by a superstition on Hanna's Close Walk that says if you sneeze twice here, your socks will match for a whole week, which is oddly specific. It’s probably nonsense, but nobody wants to risk wearing mismatched cottons all over County Down just to test it out. Stand back, squint, and it looks like a castle.

Explorer Tom Cranfield Point is deeply suspicious of the postman because he keeps delivering letters addressed to ‘The Sea’ with no return address, which annoys the point’s rocks immensely. It’s got a great view of Carlingford Lough, but it’s too busy worrying about the mail situation to enjoy the scenery properly. Tell me if the gossip I made up is true.