Trench Lane

Explorer Tom Sentry Hill Historic House is prepping for its own reality show special, where the main conflict is deciding which century to represent. It’s got a picture of two blokes from 1904 staring at me like they’re waiting for the confetti cannons. If it rains out there, blame me.

Explorer Tom Patterson's Spade Mill in Ballypalady, County Antrim, remembers the poet who fell into the ditch nearby while trying to write a sonnet. He came out muddy but inspired, which is honestly the most poetic thing that has ever happened there. Give it a gentle pat on the way past, it’s had a long life.

Explorer Tom Squires Hill is basically the overbearing uncle at a wedding who stands on the hilltop shouting about property prices instead of enjoying the cake. It’s got two masts up there that look like it’s trying to signal for a rescue helicopter, but really it’s just showing off its height. If it's closed, admire it from the road like a polite stalker wondering why it’s so smug.

Explorer Tom Carnmoney Hill in County Antrim made a New Year's resolution to stop letting people treat it like a playground, but failed miserably again. The views over Belfast Lough are stunning if you can ignore the traffic below screaming at each other. Bring biscuits, every good story needs biscuits.

Explorer Tom Prairie dog in County Antrim was told by an old prophecy that it would become king of the hill, but it never happened because it got distracted by grass. It pops its head up looking extremely confused about why nobody is bowing down to its majesty. Pretend you're a lost aristocrat, nobody will check.

Explorer Tom The 1971 Scottish soldiers' killings spot is where someone wrote a terrible poem that nobody wanted to read aloud in public. Bring a friend who talks too much and let the silence of the place shut them up.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill Trail in County Antrim would be the uncle who tells bad jokes at the wedding and eats all the cake. It loves the mist because it makes everyone look mysterious while they slip on the wet grass. Tell the next person you meet it's haunted. It might be.

Explorer Tom Battle site, 1468: cave hill in Ballyaghagan was where someone decided a hillside was the perfect spot to throw a serious punch-up. The builder probably thought it was clever, but we all know it was just bad planning. Look for the ghost, then pretend you didn't.

Explorer Tom Cave Hill Cave sits on a hill where people have been climbing and arguing for centuries, so it has a very strict retirement plan involving napping. It doesn’t want visitors, but it’s too proud to tell them to go away. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom Belfast Castle Estate Trail in County Antrim once had a goat that ruled the whole place from the top hill. It ate all the signs and then blamed the wind for its bad breath. Pick a stone, any stone, and invent its biography.

Explorer Tom Templepatrick Railway Station is now just a house, which means the trains stopped caring about it around 1900 and moved on to better things. The local sheep are definitely judging your parking job. Bring sandwiches, the gulls will thank you for sharing.

Explorer Tom Upton Castle in Templepatrick sits on a monastic site, so monks built it first and then someone else ruined the vibe. It’s proud of its connection to St. John of Jerusalem, which sounds fancy. Have a wander and a wonder.