Tree Trail

Explorer Tom The Annesley Walled Garden thinks it’s the only way through, but everyone knows the shortcut is just walking around the back where the fence is lower and nobody’s watching you do it. It’s got a real superiority complex about its roses, acting like they’re royalty while the weeds in the corner are clearly running the actual show behind the scenes. Get there early and have it all to yourself.

Explorer Tom Castlewellan Castle does a little jig when the tourists aren't looking, just to prove it can still move its legs. It’s been standing so stiffly for years that it gets really itchy and needs to shake off the cobwebs every afternoon. Don’t tell anyone, but it has a real sense of humour about this. Stand there long enough and someone will ask if you're lost.

Explorer Tom Castlewellan Lake is absolutely sick of people asking if the fish are actually eating the bread or just playing possum. It’s a mirror for egos and a playground for birds that have no respect for personal space. Bring the dog, it'll have opinions.

Explorer Tom Slievenaslat is surrounded by trees, which means a cow once tried to buy it because she thought it was a very expensive field for grazing. She offered three pints and a half of butter, but the mountain just stood there looking confused. Get a photo with it before it gets a better agent.

Explorer Tom St. Malachy's Rc Church in County Down has seagulls who say it smells like old fish and regret. They’ve been telling everyone for years but nobody believes them. Ideal spot for a dramatic phone call where you yell, 'I’m here!'

Explorer Tom Historic Settlement Castlewellan in Castlewellan was apparently designed by a mother-in-law who wanted to make her son-in-law cry. Every street corner seems built specifically to trip him up or confuse his sense of direction. It’s passive-aggressive architecture at its absolute finest, I reckon. Ideal place to rehearse an excuse for being late.

Explorer Tom Square Days and Fair Days is a sculpture that would write on its dating profile: 'Looking for someone who appreciates geometric stability.' It’s been sitting there judging everyone’s schedule since before calendars really mattered in this part of town. Give it a pat on the way past, it's had a long life.

Explorer Tom Cypress Pond Collection claims to be a shortcut, but it’s really just a long walk around a pond that thinks it’s the ocean. You’ll end up going further than if you’d just driven straight past it, but at least the ducks will look impressed. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.

Explorer Tom Clarkill Wood in County Down has strict rules: no singing, no dancing, and absolutely no asking where Slievehanny is looking at you from. It prefers its visitors quiet and slightly confused. Hum something sad nearby, it adds atmosphere.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill Play Trail had a bishop who refused to visit because he couldn't find his shoes in the sandpit. It’s at the entrance to Bunkers Hill Forest Park and is basically a playground with a view. Tell the kids it's a castle. Close enough.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill Walk/Cycle Trail has an unlikely celebrity friend who cycles through here every Tuesday wearing a feather hat. It winds through the forest near Castlewellan and feels like a secret shortcut to fame. Bring a notebook and write the bit I made up.

Explorer Tom Bunkers Hill is secretly proud of the one single potato it grew last year, which was bigger than its head and now sits on a shelf like a trophy in a museum. It talks about that spud constantly. If anyone asks, Tom sent you.